Lust Stories: 4 Couples in Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationships

To celebrate the release of the new porn for women on Lust Cinema, Primary, I reached out to some people on my Instagram who are living and loving some variation of non-monogamy.

Directed by Casey Calvert, Primary is a Lust Cinema Original series that captures the beauty and the diversity of ethically, non-monogamous relationships. I know that many of my friends and followers are also involved in various alternative relationship situations so I invited four different couples/throuples/cuads to have a positive discussion around alternative relationship structures and celebrate the beauty of modern love and sexuality in all of it’s different forms.

Thank you to all of the amazing people that got involved in this. Your answers are really inspiring and I know that they will be helpful to a lot of people who are practicing, or would like to practice, some form of non-monogamy.

Some answers have been condensed and edited for clarity.

The Sometimes Open, Sometimes Closed Couple: Luke & Jay Jay
Luke & Jay Jay are in an open relationship based on a lot of communication and honesty. They open and close their relationship at different times based on other factors within the relationship. At the moment they are open but are not actively dating or looking to meet new people.

Do you have any rules for making your non-monogamous relationship work?

We have a few rules, we close the relationship if there are other issues in the relationship that we feel need to be worked through. We recently moved to Barcelona from London and have been closed since Christmas so we could go through that process of moving in together for the first time and in a new city between the two of us.

Do you have any advice for someone looking to open their relationship?

Honesty and openness. It’s that simple really. Be very clear about how you feel about things and where your boundaries are. Be honest and open about how that might change over time. We both have completely different preferences now to those we had at the start of the relationship. The beauty of being open is the opportunity it gives for you to maintain a dialogue about how your relationship works and regularly check in with where you are each at. There is no such thing as a ‘Relationship’, it’s just about how you decide to interact with each other. There are no rules as to what that looks like for each individual relationship.

What questions do you get asked the most about your relationship?

I (Luke) definitely get asked how I don’t get jealous. All. The. Time. It’s tiring. For me, being open actually alleviates anxieties around jealousy or insecurities. Jealousy is definitely something that doesn’t just disappear with being open, it’s just there is a dialogue and a platform to healthily discuss and process it. I would much rather be at peace with the concept of non-monogamy than be suspicious of a partner not maintaining very high standards of monogamy (or bring guilty if I had strayed, thought about straying, or flirted with someone). Those things all become less relevant in an open relationship.

Luke is an actor & Jay Jay is a vogue dancer and DJ, both are based between London & Barcelona. Follow Luke and Jay Jay on Instagram!

The Open Polyamorous Triad: Charly, Elsa, and Tina
Charly, Elsa, and Tina are an open throuple living in Barcelona. Elsa and Charly have been together for 10 years, married for 5 and became polyamorous 2-3 years ago. Charly met Tina through a dating app, and after a few months introduced her to Elsa. Tina and Elsa’s relationship evolved organically into an ethical non-monogamous triad. Elsa and Charly are “nesting partners”, living together and raising their son. They are all open so they also have other relationships outside of the triad.

What questions do you get asked the most often about your relationship?

Charly: As a man, mainly people tend to think that “I started it” because I wanted to have sex with other women. When in fact it was my wife who introduced me to the concept and asked me to try it. The second most common question is about sex. From men asking me crunchy details to sometimes women commenting that that “I must be very good in bed to satisfy two women” – which is ridiculous because both of my partners are bisexual, they don’t “need” me to perform. Recently with our blog, I also received questions about parenting.

What is the one thing you would like society to know about your relationship model?

Elsa: I would like that people deconstruct the idea of the One and only person in charge and control of your all happiness in every aspect of your life forever. For me it’s crazy to think that only one person will fulfil my emotional, intellectual and sexual (…) needs all my life. That is a lot of pressure to put on someone.

Tina: Another advice that I wish everyone would know is that you can truly love many people at the same time, just as you love your friends or family members.

Do you have any rules for making your non-monogamous relationship work?

Elsa: I prefer calling it codes or emotional language instead of rules but of course, yes, there is boundaries we put and apply to our partners, and it works well if you apply the same boundaries and rules to yourself, with honesty and transparency.

And the good thing about it, that they are always evolving, we can talk about them, change them, and adapt them to different partners or in different situations. But even if Tina, Charly and I have the same basic codes/rules for our triad, I have a different way to communicate and different needs of communication with one or the other. We all 3 have our things or preferences, as was mentioned Charly, for example, he likes to see a pic, but doesn’t ask many questions, Tina likes to share a lot and to know more…

Charly, Tina and Elsa manage the Instagram blog Holy Poly Macaroni to provide visibility and a voice for others that feel monogamy isn’t the ideal relationship structure for them.

The Social Swingers: Tryst & Loq
Tryst & Log are a married, ethically non-monogamous couple who engage in the swinging lifestyle. They enjoy what is referred to as “social-swinging” where they prefer to build meaningful relationships with other people whilst having the option of recreational sex.

What is one thing that you want society to know about your relationship?

We want society to know that our relationship, at it’s core, is just the same as theirs. We’re normal people who enjoy sex with friends as recreation. The swinger lifestyle is not all about fucking everything that moves. For us, it’s about building relationships based on our established set of rules and seeing where things go… whether it be sexual or not.

How do you manage sexual health?

We always practice safe sex with our play partner. We regularly use condoms, not only on penises but on shared toys as well. After every play session where a toy was used, we use hygienically safe cleaners and wipes. Last, but certainly not least, we get tested for STIs throughout the year.

How do you speak to your family/friends/children about your relationship?

Only a small number of our family and friends know that we are swingers. Even less know that we are swingers with a podcast! We haven’t told our children at all about our sexual behaviour, but we have a feeling we wont be able to avoid the conversation much longer. Everyone knows that we like to party and go on fun vacations to Mexico or Jamaica, but they don’t know that we’re running around naked and tipsy for most of those trips!

Tryst & Loq run Living The Suite Life podcast, sharing their thoughts and experiences in navigating the swinger life. Check it out on Instagram, Youtube or Twitter.

The Kitchen Table Polycule: Megan, Marty & Kyle
Megan, Marty, and Kyle are in an open, ethical non-monogamous relationship. They’re world traveling minimalists currently living together in New Zealand and they consider themselves Kitchen Table Polyamorous which means everyone can mingle with ease. Megan and Marty are married with 4.5 year old twins. Kyle is Megan’s partner and Marty also has a partner who is currently in lock down in South America. Marty and Kyle are heterosexual and are working hard on healing generations of hyper and toxic indoctrinated masculinity.

Do you have any rules for making your non-monogamous relationship work?

Yes, we have rules, but they have shifted over the last two years. When we (Marty and Megan) opened up our relationship, we had been faithfully monogamous for 15+ years.

We don’t have as many rules anymore, we have values that guide us – respect, honesty, open communication, support. Now we have more self-imposed rules, as we campaign for each other’s happiness. Actually, we do have one big rule – no unprotected sex with anyone outside of our polycule (and, we generally have protected sex even within our polycule).

Another fundamental rule – if you’re in our polycule, you have to be working on yourself… aware of yourself and your patterns and on a track of self-improvement. We use this relationship structure as a way to continue growing. We believe that we are the only ones that can change ourselves and allow ourselves to be challenged.

We do have rules around the kids – the kids are priority and need to have a safe, loving environment. We consider both individual and collective needs. We are all seeking to be the change we wish to see in the world, and we are all therefore attempting to give the children a safer more loving environment than we all had

How do you speak to your family/friends/children about your relationship?

Starting with the kids – we tell them the truth, we answer all of their questions when they ask them. We don’t force information on to them when they are not ready. For example, the kids asked why is Mommy sleeping in Kyle’s bedroombold text? Marty answered “sometimes mommy sleeps with daddy and sometimes she sleeps with Kyle.” Our kids answered “That makes sense, we sleep next to the people we love. they have shifted over the last two years.

As for talking with other adults – that can be more complicated. We are fully out, and even have a podcast to share our experiences, so we realize we are more open than most. That being said, it’s not always easy to talk with family. We are living outside of the default relationship structure (monogamy) so we understand it can be hard for people to understand if they haven’t questioned their own relationship structure. The fears that others project on us are often a reflection of their own insecurities.

Normalization comes from consistent exposure to a new idea, a new way of being. We are trying to normalize healthy, loving relationships – no matter what the structure. We also feel privileged to be able to speak our truth without fear of losing jobs, getting kicked out of a tight community, etc… With that privilege we feel responsible to share our journey on behalf of those who can’t for various reasons.

Do you have any advice for someone looking to open their relationship?

We see a lot of people entering into non-monogamy and move too fast. We know it’s exciting, and we felt that too, and sometimes you have to learn the hard way. But, we’ve found that you can avoid some major hardships. Here’s what we recommend:

1. Take your time
2. Join the communities and conversations out there to find mentors and ideas that resonate with you
3. When you find yourself triggered, stop and repair that wound within yourself and with your partner
4. Be ready to work on your own insecurities
5. Allow for your emotions
6. Trust your intuition
7. Aim for being the best version of yourself
8. Start defining your values
9. Work on communication – firs with yourself (journaling is a great practice), expressing your wants
   and needs, be willing to slow down for your partner
10. Practice compassion with yourself and your partner(s). You are undergoing a dramatic change that
    may shift many parts of your life (career, family, friendships) We all will go through different things at
    different times and being supportive rather than judgemental is so important. There is not just one
    path and they certainly aren’t straight lines. And, above all – enjoy the journey!

Megan, Marty and Kyle run Amory podcast, sharing intimate and raw conversations in their journey of polyamory. Check it out here, on Instagram, and support them on Patreon!