What to Know Before You Enter a Threesome as a Couple

Dr. Zhana Vrangalova is a sex researcher, NYU professor of Human Sexuality and creator of the casualsexproject. When it comes to non-monogamous relationship models there is no one I know who has more experience and expertise than her. I asked Dr. Zhana to review my latest threesome porn for women “It Takes Three To Tango” and to fill us in on best practices for how to go about threesomes! What do we need to understand to make a threesome a success? Why is it so important to pay attention to the specific dynamics of threesomes? How can you communicate both verbal and nonverbal sexual consent and check in with each other before, during and after the experience?

Imagine you and your long-term partner sign up for tango lessons. Your teacher is not only a gorgeous woman with strawberry blonde hair and long, toned limbs; she also moves incredibly well. Every time she touches one of you to adjust your posture, she exudes competence and sensuality that sends shivers down your spine. You’re madly in love with your partner, yet you can’t help but crave your tango teacher. Hesitantly, you tell your partner about your secret crush, and he admits he feels the same. How amazing would it be if, one night, your tango lesson turned into a passionate threesome?

That’s the premise of It Takes Three to Tango, Erika Lust’s new erotic movie coming out on November 7th, 2019. The movie opens following the couple as they walk up the stairs of an elegant ballroom where their private tango lessons take place. The woman of the couple informs us of their shared fantasy in a voiceover as we get to meet the teacher, watching her first dance by herself, then fine-tune the (already skilled) movements of her two students. Over five delightful minutes of live tango music (performed by an all-female band), the lesson progresses into an intense three-way make-out session against the ballroom wall, before the teacher leads the couple down the stairs to a bedroom where the naked action takes place. A couple bringing in a single woman for a threesome can at times feel like an overplayed commercial. But group sex, and threesomes in particular, is truly one of the most common sexual fantasies. In a recent survey of 4,000 Americans, only 87% of women and 95% of men reported having fantasized about group sex; for about a third of all participants, this was their absolute favorite fantasy. Of all the variations of group sex, female-female-male threesomes is the combination that heterosexual men fantasize about the most; hetero- and bisexual women fantasize about this gender combination as often as they fantasize about male-male-female threesomes.

While not everyone wants to act on their sexual fantasies, the large survey just mentioned found that most Americans–80% to be exact–would like to turn their biggest fantasy into reality. Yet, only a third of those have done so. The main reason for this: fear of how their partner would react. The second reason: fear that the reality would turn out far worse than the fantasy. In reality, both fears seem to be exaggerated. In the above survey, 65% of those who disclosed group sex fantasies to their partners encountered positive reactions; another 20% encountered neutral reactions. And over 80% of those who had acted out their biggest fantasy said the end result met or exceeded their expectations; over 90% said it had a positive or neutral effect on their relationships. That’s not to say that all threesomes turn out amazing. Most of the time, it’s because people don’t know how to go about these experiences in a way that’s satisfying and safe for everyone involved, making mistakes that are easily preventable. Like hooking up when they are really drunk or high, or with someone who’s obviously not the right person to handle the complexity of the situation, or without having clearly communicated expectations and boundaries to everyone (or anyone) involved.

Like most Erika Lust’s films, It Takes Three to Tango distinguishes itself from mainstream pornography with its sophisticated esthetic, from the sensual black-and-white tattoos adorning one of the female protagonists’ body to the Twin Peaks-inspired bedroom: full-length red curtains, black-and-white checkered floor, black satin sheets… But what I was most struck by was how, over a short 20 minutes, this movie manages not only to arouse us but to also share some best practices for how to go about threesomes, open relationships, and sex more generally. All told, of course, through the female perspective of the erotic experience.

Most portrayals (fictional or otherwise) of threesomes involving two women and a man depict that interaction as a male ego- and status-boosting “guy wants and pleases two women” fantasy. It Takes Three to Tango successfully avoids this cliche, giving the two women the central roles instead. From the very beginning, we are told the woman of the couple is the primary owner of this fantasy, and she’s the one engaging with the teacher more both before and after their clothes come off. Once on the bed, there is a lot of cunnilingus, fingering, and scissoring, but relatively little fellatio or penis-in-vagina intercourse (and that’s only between the couple; the man of the couple never has penetrative sex with the teacher). The man is undoubtedly a willing participant, but it’s the two women who switch back and forth at being the center of the other two people’s attention. Finally, instead of the all-too-familiar “money shot,” we barely even notice the man’s orgasm (I actually missed it the first time I watched the movie, only realized it happened the second time around–he cums in his partner’s mouth before the camera quickly moves away– because I was specifically looking for it!); both women, on the other hand, appear to (genuinely) orgasm at least once.

The dynamic of threesomes varies a lot depending on the relationships between the three participants. Two casual lovers going home with a stranger they just met at a club will play out very differently than three nonsexual but close friends hooking up during a vacation.When two of the three participants are a long-term romantic couple, it’s really important for the members of the couple not to feel like the third person is going to stand between them, and for the third person not to feel like a human sex toy there to serve the couple. None of these is felt in Lust’s movie. One of my favorite moments is watching the teacher flirt with her students during their lesson, but when they each get too carried away staring at her and forgetting about each other for a moment, she gently but firmly adjusts their posture to bring their hands together, and their heads facing each other. Beyond the specific threesome dynamic, the movie models both verbal and nonverbal sexual consent quite well. The conversation the couple has before coming to class informs us how they’re both on board with the threesome-with-teacher idea. The slowly accelerating, back-and-forth flirtation the three of them engage in as the tango lesson turns ever more sexual demonstrates the delicate dance–literally and figuratively–of how sexual consent can be negotiated nonverbally. Each escalation of the physical contact is followed by a brief retreat to give the other person a moment to breathe, think, anticipate, decide; it gives them a chance to change their mind, possibly, about how far they’d like to go.

No one does in this case, of course, and we’re treated to a passionate intermingling of three beautiful bodies and minds, all trying to ravish each other. This is effectively a casual hookup, yet there is enough eye gazing, kissing, caressing, and full body contact to put most romantic sexual encounters to shame. Those are components that are so sorely missing from both real- life casual sex and mainstream porn, robbing participants and viewers of the opportunity to experience or witness truly memorable sexual moments. It Takes Three to Tango ends with a brief post-sex moment where the three protagonists kiss, cuddle and laugh. It doesn’t really hint at what comes after, which in many ways is true of the reality of threesomes. Perhaps they’ll all pretend this never happened and go back to their teacher-student roles. Perhaps they will continue both their professional and their sexual relationship on a casual basis. Perhaps they’ll start a polyamorous relationship triad. Or perhaps the couple will get into a jealous fight afterwards and never come back for another lesson. They might even break up over it. It all depends on how this experience is initiated, experienced, interpreted, and processed afterwards…

Of course, the threesome action portrayed in the movie could be nothing more than a figment of the couples’ imagination – the movie never makes that part clear. And there is nothing wrong with keeping your threesome fantasies in the realm of the imaginary. Sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality. But if you’re going to try and make your fantasy come true, make sure you approach that experience with the necessary knowledge and forethought. And if you need some inspiration, It Takes Three to Tango is an excellent place to start.

About the author:

NYU professor Zhana Vrangalova is a renowned sex researcher and expert on the science of casual sex, non-monogamy and non-normative relationship models. Zhana’s mission is to debunk popular myths about sex and sexuality that, according to this fierce scientist, ruin lives. She dedicates her time researching how sexuality is related to psychological, social, and physical wellbeing.

Twitter: @DrZhana
Instagram: @drzhana