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A Cool Guide to the Kinky Art of Spanking

A Cool Guide to the Kinky Art of Spanking

Erika Lust | September 19, 2016 | 7 min. read

Lusties, get your whip and favourite BDSM porn for women ready!

Spanking has been popular ever since humanity came into existence. It has evolved through the centuries from a casual part of sex, to a symbol of repression in the Victorian Era, to an expected element of a casual hook-up post 50 Shades of Grey (which is quite possibly the worst representation of a BDSM relationship that has ever existed. I mean, it started off as Twilight fan-fiction!)

So rather than leaving a Mormon to do all the explaining of spanking to the masses, here is a real and practical guide to that most exquisite of skin on skin contact. Whether you want a quick cheeky slap once in a while or you want to take it further into the realms of kink, I hope the below has something to offer you. But first…

Why are you doing it?

Although spanking can often be treated like the new 5th base, it is not for everyone. Spanking can be used in a role-play scenario, or in a BDSM play session, or just as a little kinky addition to an otherwise vanilla relationship. But you should never, ever hit someone out of frustration or genuine anger. It needs to be a mutual power exchange and you need to discuss boundaries beforehand. Everyone’s pain threshold is different, and not everyone wants to be reduced to a crying, dribbling mess by their partner. If you do on the other hand, we will cover that too…

1. Start off slow
A good spanking is a whole act within itself – so take your time.

2. Always start with your hands As you’re moving through this new experience together, you need to learn each other’s limits. Start hitting lightly. Don’t spread your fingers, keep a flat palm. It will hurt more if you leave your hand where it smacks, and less if you whip it back immediately after contact.

3. Wait until their bottom is warm

And by that I mean the skin on their bottom. After a while your hands and their bottom will have heated up a lot, which is when you know you can move onto other toys if you want to, or keep going at that strength. The longer you do this part for, the less you’ll bruise later too.

4. Rhythm can be key

“You’ve been a bad, bad, bad boy” with a smack on every “bad” is a good one. Rhythm is helpful for keeping an even smack zone all over your partner’s bum, rather than leaving them sitting wonkily for the next few days. Unless they really have been bad, and then sitting awkwardly at their desk might be a totally appropriate punishment…

GIF from The Art of Spanking

5. Take Breaks

After 3 or 4 spanks, pause for a few seconds or stroke the area you just touched. Vary this depending how hard you’re hitting and how much they can take. Keep alternating the entire way through the spanking on hitting, rubbing, licking… go with the flow and see what your partner likes.

6. Improvise

The sexiest, most spine tingling part of a good spanking is the difference between pain and pleasure. The more you hit, the more you hurt, the more sensitive the skin is going to be and therefore the more intense the feelings of pleasure. If you have long hair, try running it along their bottom immediately after hitting. Use objects that are a little sharp, like long nails or a hair grip or a fork (not a knife!) or the studs on a leather bracelet and very gently drag them along the skin. Prepare for goosebumps and moans.

7. Introduce other kinds of pleasure

For some people, spanking is enough– and so introducing physical sex acts isn’t wanted. For others, it’s foreplay before fucking, or it’s enjoyed during intercourse. If the person you’re spanking wants you to get dirty, remember that that area is FAR more sensitive and can be damaged far more easily than an ass. Treat it kindly and it will love you right back. A gentle stroke can be enough to make someone completely fall apart.

GIF from An Appointment with my Master


Decide if you want to be marked, and what your limits and hard limits are

This very much depends on how far you want to take your spanking. Hands won’t leave a mark (unless you’re fucking Wolverine). But if you go past using just hands and start using paddles, whips or canes, you should refer first to the handy diagram below of the safest areas to hurt, and the ones to definitely avoid. If neither partner has ever used toys like this before, MAINTAIN CAUTION! You can get hurt – and not just physically. Adding BDSM elements to sex involves a change in psychology. And if it’s just not your thing, then don’t ever do it just to please someone else. The pleasure in Dominating someone is the knowledge you are secretly pleasing them or giving them a release they can’t find otherwise. The difference between limits and hard limits? The former are things you don’t think you’ll like but are willing to try, and hard limits are things you 100% will not do.

Check what zones are more sensitive and what are safe to play

?TIP: Cool for tying up your lover: Handmade Bondage Rope

Listen to their reaction and watch their body

Have a safe word – so your partner can shout as loudly as they want and beg you to stop without you actually stopping, still knowing that if they do say the safe word you WILL stop. The fighting and begging part is fun! In this scenario, if they struggle around and put their hands in front of their bottom or lift their legs up, hit those once sharply and they’ll stop. Also because they’re focusing on the pain on another part of their body, the shock will feel intense.

Where to avoid

Backs of knees, spine and lower back bone are all no-go’s until you have more experience. Hitting someone on the spine with a cane can permanently damage them, which is why experimenting with any kind of kink play when you are drunk or not in full control of yourself is best avoided. You also have a higher pain threshold when you’re drunk, so keep that in mind too.

Know your toys

Don’t jump straight from hands to cane – a cane, if used hard enough, can pierce the skin and make you bleed. When you buy your toys, make sure you start with “beginners” whips, or paddles. Practice with any toy that is long and requires some aim on something else first, otherwise you can hit somewhere you don’t want to, which might put you both off! Don’t start thinking you can Indiana Jones on that ass just because you were a Brownie in high school.

TIP: Want a suggestion? This Ruler by Maison Close is perfect to start playing.


There might be an emotional release afterwards – your partner may burst into tears or feel very vulnerable for a few minutes if you get to a hardcore place. This is called “subspace” and is totally normal. It’s also normal to feel elated, euphoric, high or faint. Just try to stay in tune with each other and remember that offering someone comfort and support is a key part of Domming them. If you are getting near that place however, you need to consult other guides too, as there isn’t room on this blog to tackle all of that just yet!

And don’t forget: communicate! A good talk can make miracles and turn something scary into the best sex of your life.

Erika Lust is an award-winning filmmaker, producer, and writer who's focus on female pleasure, cinematic values, and ethics in adult cinema have helped to change how pornography is consumed. Erika Lust Films was born in 2004 and since then Erika has ... Read More
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