Oh no. Your partner (let’s call them 🙀) has just caught you watching porn. You didn’t hear 🙀 creeping in and now you’re like a deer in the headlights, and you have your surprised SO in front of you and the newest ERIKALUST video open at the most NSFW moment. Let’s take it from here. What should you NOT say?

Haha. Obviously, that would never happen.
But, jokes aside…
Boomer alert! Put your honesty goggles on - it's 2023, and porn isn't something to hide. If you're watching porn, let 🙀 in on the fact - don't shy away from the conversation, and instead, show you're open to communication. After all, honesty is the best policy, and lying will only harm the relationship and make 🙀 feel as if you’re not comfortable sharing with them the fact that you do watch porn. If you don’t believe us, take the word of science - scientific research has been done proving that honesty about porn use in relationships leads to higher satisfaction and lower distress levels. Open up to 🙀, start a conversation, and see where it takes you! You can respond with something that will:

• Initiate the conversation–“Yes, I am watching porn. Would you like to talk about it?”
• Try to understand your partner’s reaction–“Does it bother you that I am watching porn?” “Are you mad at me?”
  Okay. 🙀 is uneasy. You sit down to discuss porn. You open your mouth again.

Ok, we know you weren’t going to say that. Not the time to channel your inner Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

But, jokes aside…
There’s nothing intrinsically shameful about watching porn– everyone does it. You’re a human, an adult (you better be!), and a free agent accountable for your actions. So own up to it, and don’t overly apologize. You’re not doing anything wrong, so don’t act like it. Sex is a beautiful thing, and so is porn– the cinematic equivalent.
Today - there exist many different kinds of porn, for all audiences, especially with more ethical values, such as our content - surely there might even be stuff that 🙀 might like! Porn is not wrong, and so you don’t have to feel bad for watching it. Truthfully, it feels like we can’t say this enough.
So instead of frantically apologizing and committing to vast promises that you won’t follow, here are some possible directions you can orient this discussion towards– you can:

• Be empathetic - “Watching porn (and especially Erika Lust content) is something I do and enjoy! I understand that it might bother you. I care about you, and I’d like to know why!”
• Communicate! And explain – “No, I don’t watch porn because I am a depraved human being - here are my reasons!”
• Let your side be heard! –“Before judging me for watching porn, let’s discuss it first!”
• Remind them that porn isn’t all-bad – “Fun fact: it’s 2023, and some people care about making ethical porn! That’s the kind I watch – do you wanna check it out and see for yourself? Maybe you’ll like it too!”

Now that you’re initiating a friendly, open conversation, 🙀 can relax a bit. Chill.

They become 😾 –they’re still a bit tense. It’s true: talking about porn habits might always be a touchy topic. But by approaching the subject with empathy, reason, and kindness, you’re stacking all of the odds in your favor for 😾 to listen to you and have a positive outcome of the discussion. Isn’t that what you want?
(It better be. Don’t be toxic <3.)
If so, meaning you’re a human with a baseline level of thoughtfulness, keep on reading. Now that you’re talking about it, you gotta play your cards right– and choose your words with tact. That means NOT saying something such as:

Fine, I know what you’re thinking - that you’re wiser than that.
But, jokes aside…
You should be willing to examine yourself and think deeply about why you watch porn and how to communicate these reasons to 😾. It’s interesting for them - and (at least, I hope), they should care! A little moment of self-introspection never hurts. Why is it that you watch porn other than the beautiful cinematography of EL movies?
On that last note - don’t forget that porn is a film genre, an art form in its own right. Sex is poetry and has inspired artists since the dawn of time. Today, we are only starting to appreciate and celebrate the artistic and creative energy that you can channel in pornography. You can check out some cool stuff - from some of our most artistic films to the new-media, erotic sci-fi works of Shu Lean Cheang - it will remind you that porn is and can be art - a very legitimate reason to watch it!
Furthermore, as you continue– consider your relationship with the topic, and take a second to think about your 😾’s approach to porn, too. It is important to consider where someone gets their thoughts about sex and pornography from, as many of us have acquired core beliefs and expectations about sex and pornography from our families, culture, and society. Questions such as these can lead to conversations about our own individual biases and experiences. It is essential to listen to each other’s perspectives with an open mind and avoid making assumptions or conclusions about what certain people think about sex and pornography.

Enough theoretical talk - here are some things you can say:

Why do you watch porn? I don’t know you, so I can’t say. Sorry. But here are possible ideas:

1. Masturbation and watching porn can be healthy habits - “I do them because they’re part of my routine, and they make me feel good”. For many, it’s a stress reliever that calms you down - valid, and you can say it!
2. Maybe, you do feel as if there’s unequal libido in the relationship, and that leads you to seek out porn. That’s totally fair - and something you can bring up along the lines of “it helps me feel more sexually satisfied in the relationship, at the moments where I need some form of sexual relief, but we cannot have sex.”
3. It’s also possible that you even watch porn for an educational purpose - it can teach you new, creative, different ways to please 😾 in the bedroom. “I watch porn to learn new things. I want to satisfy you sexually, and it teaches me new techniques! Remember that position we tried last time, the one you really liked? I got it from a scene in The Wedding…” - that’s an answer that, if true, will earn you brownie points…
4. Or perhaps, you are an appreciator of the arts, a true aesthete - how could you not enjoy watching a beautiful cast have beautifully filmed sex? “Bro, Kali Sudhra and Bishop Black are just HOT” (ok, we do recommend you be a bit more subtle than that, though ;)
5. The point is - there are a lot of reasons why you might watch porn! It might even be a combination of all of the above. In any case - think about it, be honest, and explain yourself with empathy and tact :)

6. The point is - there are a lot of reasons why you might watch porn! It might even be a combination of all of the above. In any case - think about it, be honest, and explain yourself with empathy and tact :)
7. Just as you want to open up to 😾, you also want to create an open and non-judgmental environment to ensure both of you feel comfortable exploring the topic in a safe space.
   You can ask questions such as

• Do you ever watch porn? If so, what kind?
• What do you think of it?
• How does it make you feel? How does my watching porn make you feel?

Here’s how NOT to do that:

Yeah, yeah - you’re not dumb and you won’t say stuff like that.
But, jokes aside…
You’re not at the market haggling over the price of a cheap souvenir - don’t see it as a negotiation, but rather as laying some guidelines, a midpoint, so that both you and 😾 feel comfortable with the porn consumption within the relationship. Once again, listen and make sure you are listened to. It’ll go well (we promise). It’s all about finding a sweet (&safe) spot between your mutual needs. Make sure you’re being heard (here’s some help with that) - you don’t have to stop watching porn just because your partner asks you! Discuss it, and be considerate of your own desires. This article can help you in this - setting and respecting boundaries, a crucial step. 😾 can make requests - and you can say no, or propose counter-suggestions. It’s a discussion - and remember, if 😾 is unwilling to listen to your side, and find a midpoint that also respects your needs, then that’s a big red flag.

“I understand you don’t want me to watch porn at all. But, for the reasons I’ve given you in part 3., that’s not something I want to give up entirely. However, I am willing to”:

• “Share it with you! Tell you about what I’m watching. Maybe we can even watch it together…”
  At the same time - stand your ground, but be willing to compromise a bit! Be open to hearing 😾’s requests, listen to their reasons, and consider their wishes, too. Here are some tips:
• Ask!!! That’s it. “Would you prefer for me to stop watching porn? Why?” “What would make you feel better?” “Are you comfortable with the “Porn Code of Conduct” we are setting between us?”
• Be understanding - “I get it - I want you to feel good in this relationship, and I will do these steps to stay mindful of your needs–”…

It 's working. You’ve had the talk, you told 😾 about that one embarrassing time your parents found you watching porn as a teenager, and the mood is lighter. You have come to an agreement - and most of all, you feel closer. Told you it could be a fun bonding activity. Now that 😾 has relaxed a bit, they slide into 😺. But before you go out for drinks and joke about it being an awkward conversation, here’s a little bonus! Let’s brush up on the steps after this big, scary conversation. Or rather, the anti-steps, such as

**WTF. This doesn’t even make any sense. **
But, jokes aside…
What we mean, is, what NOT to do, after this tricky conversation that you’ve brilliantly executed, is to go back to keeping porn just to yourself, or just never talk about it again! Things change - people evolve, and so do their feelings and opinions. Maybe 😺 is getting more comfortable with the idea. Or less. You don’t know unless you talk about it! Have little check-ins. Maybe this conversation was a teensy bit awkward, but you know what’s even more awkward? Pretending as if this conversation never happened.

• Check-ins: “Haha. Remember when you caught me watching XConfessions and we talked about it? Have your feelings changed since then?”
• Bring 😺 into your porn habits! It can even be sexy to watch things together: “Would you like to watch porn together? It could be very, very hot. Here are some videos I think you might enjoy…” or “Our sex is already so spicy. Do you know what would make it spicier? ;)” Here are some useful tips you can check out on how to watch porn as a couple.