Women’s Orgasm: A Love Story by Erica Marchand, Ph.D.

Oh yes….let’s talk about orgasms. Women’s orgasms in particular. The female orgasm, and all of its elusive, transcendent glory, has gotten a lot of press lately. Concepts like the orgasm gap and diagrams of clitoral anatomy are suddenly all over social media. Betty Dodson, pioneer of orgasm education, sadly left us last year, bringing renewed interest to her decades of work. OMGyes.com is using research to de-mystify women’s sexual pleasure and orgasms. In popular culture, female rappers are doing a lot to bring awareness to the necessity of clitoral stimulation for female sexual pleasure, and pioneering television shows like Big Mouth are normalizing female masturbation. Erotic film directors like Erika Lust herself are depicting scenes of women having sex in ways that could lead to orgasm for many. It seems like the female orgasm is having a moment, and I could not be happier. Let me tell you why.

First though, what exactly is an orgasm? My favorite definition comes from Emily Nagoski, who defines it as “the sudden, involuntary release of sexual tension.”¹ All orgasms are not the same! They may or may not include pelvic floor muscle contractions, intense pleasure, a sensation of “doneness,” heightened emotional experience, increased genital sensitivity, or other marked changes, usually (but not always) after high sexual arousal.² Some are the toe-curling whole-body fireworks that we’re accustomed to hearing about, but that’s only one version. Some are that, some are more subtle. Sometimes people laugh or cry afterward. Sometimes people just feel “done” or “calm” but don’t have that height of pleasure that we often think of with orgasms. All are normal and okay -- orgasms are as variable as anything else that is different from person to person.

A big part of my work as a psychologist is helping people have better sex and relationships. Within that work, one of the most common and persistent problems I’ve seen is the difficulty that many women face asking for, experiencing, or enjoying sexual pleasure, including orgasm. The women in my office are not alone -- large studies show that up to 46% of women worldwide have trouble with orgasm in at least some situations, at some point in their lives.³⁻⁶ It’s a very, very common issue, and one that until recently was not often spoken about.

I believe that the silence about female orgasms, and their elusiveness to begin with, stem from a few main factors. First, many women receive shame-based, sex-negative, or at the very least, confusing messages about sex and sexuality from family, religion, and/or larger sociocultural norms. This can make it hard to acknowledge or advocate for desired sexual pleasure. This of course varies from one place to the next, and between generations, but on the whole among women I have worked with here in the U.S., these messages are still widespread and active.

Second, the standard script for a male-female sexual encounter is centered on intercourse, an activity that results in orgasm for many men but few women. In a survey of thousands of college students, 64% of women vs. 91% of men had experienced orgasm during their most recent sexual encounter.⁷ In a large population-based U.S. sample, 65% of heterosexual women as compared to 95% of heterosexual men reported having orgasms “usually” or “always” with their partners.⁸ Things are completely different in sexual encounters involving only women. In the same large U.S. sample, 86% of lesbian women reported “usually” or “always” having orgasms with partners.⁸ A separate survey found that women reported having orgasms 60% of the time with male partners and 75% of the time with female partners, while men had orgasms 80-85% of the time with partners of either gender.⁹ These statistics are limited in including only cis-gendered women and men and, in one study, reporting on only binary heterosexual and lesbian respondents. This of course does not capture the range or complexity of people’s sexual experiences. Even so, among the women included in the studies, the numbers are striking. Not that it’s a competition, but if it were, women’s orgasms would be lagging behind men’s by a mile or two. This is the “orgasm gap” that is so talked about at the moment.

A third reason for the elusiveness of or silence around women’s orgasms could be a perception that orgasm is a “bonus,” nice to have sometimes but not necessary, and certainly not something to make a big deal about if absent. To be sure, I agree that it’s helpful not to put undue pressure or expectation on orgasm as the defining moment of a sexual encounter. Sex can be completely enjoyable without one. At the same time, in my experience, many women who would actually like to have an orgasm do without, minimizing the importance of their desire. This could be so as not to ask for too much, somehow make their partner feel bad, or take the time and stimulation needed for orgasm to happen. I call this trying not to take up too much space in the bedroom.

So after all these somber statistics, there is good news! More information than ever is available on how women have orgasms, and how to learn to orgasm if it’s been difficult in the past. Movements in sex education and feminist spaces advocate for female sexual pleasure and the normalcy and necessity of clitoral involvement in that. Finally, I feel a debt of gratitude to the female rappers who are spreading the word about the necessity of “going down” as part of a satisfying sexual experience, and to creators of media content who are realistic about how women have orgasms. Things are looking up!

In my own work, I think of orgasm as requiring three factors working together, like three legs of a stool (but the most pleasurable stool ever). One is a helpful frame of mind, meaning an overall positive view of sexual pleasure and oneself as a sexual being. The second is arousal, including knowing how to get turned on and comfort with feeling and showing sexual arousal. The third is stimulation -- understanding what kind of physical stimulation is needed and for how long, as well as knowing what kind of mental and emotional stimulation are helpful to get there. A fourth factor, specific to having an orgasm with a partner, is understanding how to translate what we need to orgasm solo to how that works with another person in the room.

So in conclusion…orgasms are beautiful and you deserve to have as many as you want. I hope we can keep moving toward closing the orgasm gap, creating a norm where women’s sexual experiences include the activities and time that result in orgasms as often as we’d like to have them. Are orgasms “important?” Is pleasure important? I would say yes to both, for happiness and closeness and emotional well-being in this brief life that we have. It’s time that women’s orgasms take center stage.

References:

1. Nagoski E. Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2015.
2. Mah K, Binik YM. Do all orgasms feel alike? Evaluating a two‐dimensional model of the orgasm experience across gender and sexual context. J Sex Res, 2002; 39(2): 104-113.
3. Laumann EO, Paik A, Rosen RC. Sexual dysfunction in the United States: prevalence and predictors. JAMA, 1999;81(6):537-544.

4. Palacios S, Castano R, Grazziotin A. Epidemiology of female sexual dysfunction. Maturitas, 2009; 63: 119-123. 

5. West S, Vinikoor L, Zolnoun D. A systematic review of the literature on female sexual dysfunction prevalence and predictors. Annu Rev Sex Res, 2004; 15: 40-172.

6. Zhang C, Tong J, Zhu L, et al. A population-based epidemiologic study of female sexual dysfunction risk in mainland China: Prevalence and predictors. J Sex Med, 2017; 14: 1348-1356.

7. Mintz L. Becoming Cliterate. New York: Harper Collins, 2017.

8. Frederick D, St. John HK, Garcia JR, et al. Differences in orgasm frequency among gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual men and women in a U.S. national sample. Arch Sex Behav, 2018; 47: 273-288.

9. Garcia JR, Lloyd EA. Wallen K, et al. Variation in orgasm occurrence by sexual orientation in a sample of US singles. J Sex Med, 2014; 11: 2645–2652.