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A Guide to the Ins and Outs of Sex Parties

A Guide to the Ins and Outs of Sex Parties

Erika Lust | February 16, 2023 | 8 min. read

Sex parties are becoming more and more popular and, depending on where you live, the variety of parties is growing. The idea of a place that allows a big group of people to freely live out their sexual fantasies sparks excitement and naughty thoughts in us. But one must be aware that in real-life sex parties do not always turn out to be like in our imagination. There is a whole lot more to making a sex party a success than encouraging people to take off their clothes. Sex party etiquette varies from party to party, but there are some general rules that apply to all sex parties and advice that is useful to absolutely everyone who wants to explore them. For first-timers, sex parties always seem a bit intimidating initially, but the first visit is also incredibly exciting! I’ve put together some useful tips on how to prepare for your first sex party and how to behave (and how not to behave) to make sure you and the people around you are having fun. Let’s get this party started!

Do your research

No matter what type of sex party you choose, it is important to make sure that everyone involved is aware of the rules and boundaries beforehand. Each sex party may have its own unique rules, such as whether or not there is photography allowed if sex is allowed in public areas, if there are any age restrictions, etc. Everyone should also be aware of the safety protocols in place, so that everyone can have a safe and enjoyable experience. Make sure to have a plan for the night, with designated drivers, designated rides, and a way to get home if needed. Everyone should also be clear on the expectations of the event and what behavior is acceptable. Having clear expectations can make the night go much smoother, and will ensure that everyone has a good time.

Visit the club’s or event host’s website before you go. If you can, get first-hand reviews from people who have been before to learn more about the vibe and crowd. Keep questions in mind like, what’s the location of the party? How many people usually attend it? Has this party taken place before? Are there clear rules and talk about consent? If you can’t answer any of these questions, try to get in contact with the host or organizer. If that does not work out, move on to the next option. It’s better not to go to a sex party than to go to a shady one.

Talk about your expectations, fears, and boundaries beforehand and while you are there

If you are going to a sex party for the first time, I would recommend going with somebody you know and trust and who, ideally, is already experienced with sex parties. But no matter who you choose to go with it is super important that you talk about boundaries before and during the party. It doesn’t matter if you’re going with your long-term partner, platonic friend or a summer fling, sometimes people have different expectations of what they want to happen at a sex party and not talking about it can lead to uncomfortable and sometimes hurtful or even dangerous situations. Things you should talk about are:

  1. Is it ok to get involved with other people and in what way or are you just there to watch?
  2. Agree on a safe word you can use if you don’t feel good about something or if you want the other person to stop doing what they’re doing. Always prioritize safety and consent.
  3. What specific sexual activities are you or are you not comfortable with (for example, do you enjoy oral sex, use of condoms, etc).
  4. Plan on having a few check-ins with the other person throughout the night.
  5. Talk about how to handle situations if one of you gets jealous or uncomfortable with the situation.
  6. Have a plan of how to leave the party together if you want to.

By talking about these things before, during, and after the party, you can ensure you both feel comfortable and safe. If you want to explore BDSM or other activities that involve power dynamics, I'd also recommend taking a workshop in advance so that you know how to do it safely and consensually. And lastly, if you're ever in a situation where you or somebody else doesn't feel safe, it's always ok to leave the party and find a safe space.

Make sure you are familiar with the party’s rules

This is very, very important! You don’t want to be the person that makes people feel uncomfortable or unsafe at a sex party or who gets kicked out for disrespecting the rules. One rule that applies to every good sex party is, DO NOT TAKE PICTURES. You will most likely be asked to turn in your phone before you enter anyways, but in case you don’t – do not take pictures at the party. You will get kicked out if somebody sees you and it is a massive violation of the privacy of the other guests. Also, make sure you are aware of the dress code. Many sex parties require a certain degree of nudity from their guests to create a certain vibe, like wearing lingerie or something sexy. Come prepared! Another important thing to know about is the condom policy of the party. If the party is condom-only you need to be aware.

Bring your own condoms, lubes, toys, and other essentials

Most sex parties will offer free condoms but it’s always better to be on the safe side. Maybe you don’t like the condoms provided because they are not the right size or brand, or maybe you don’t want to run looking for a pad or lube in the heat of the moment. If that’s the case, it would be advantageous to have your own supplies on hand, so you can be sure that you have the right protection and materials needed. Taking a few extra minutes to prepare your own supplies before you attend the party can help ensure that you have the best experience possible and can make the most out of the evening. Having your own supplies will also give you the peace of mind that you need to truly enjoy the experience, allowing you to savor the moment and feel more confident in your decisions.

You don’t need to have sex or do anything to go to a sex party – don’t pressure yourself

Don’t feel like you have to have sex or do something you don’t feel comfortable with – it is perfectly okay to just go and watch or meet people, and not do anything else. Don’t let anyone pressure you into something you don’t want to do – if you don’t want to have sex, don’t feel like you have to, and if you do, make sure it’s something that truly makes you happy. Respect your body and have a good time, but be sure to always stay safe.

Take care of yourself and the people around you

If somebody violates your boundaries in any way – speak to the people around you and alert security. It’s also nice to keep an eye out for other people. If you witness anything you think is against the rules or if you think somebody is feeling uncomfortable, ask them if they are ok and if there is anything they need. One of the best parts about a good sex party with the right people is that you are very likely to experience a great sense of community. People want you to have a good time and they want you to feel safe. Watching out for each other is important and creates a beautiful atmosphere.

Don’t give up if your first party is not exactly what you expected it to be

Thanks to Hollywood movies, we often have unrealistic expectations of sex parties and when we actually go to one we feel disappointed. Try to be realistic and keep an open mind. Just because something is not exactly what you expected it to be, doesn’t necessarily make it bad. In fact, it can be a great opportunity to explore your own desires and try something new. It is important to set boundaries and communicate what you are and are not comfortable with before attending a sex party. Having a clear understanding of the rules and expectations can help you decide if this is even an experience you want to pursue. So don’t be afraid to take risks and take your time to find the type of sex party that best suits your needs and expectations. Don't be afraid to ask questions and make sure that you know what you're getting into before attending.

Erika Lust is an award-winning filmmaker, producer, and writer who's focus on female pleasure, cinematic values, and ethics in adult cinema have helped to change how pornography is consumed. Erika Lust Films was born in 2004 and since then Erika has ... Read More
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