To mark Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Erika Lust Films & director Rebecca Stewart have released Wash Me, a movie based on Rebecca's own story of rediscovering her desire after breast cancer treatment. Check out more information and watch the film for free here.
Covid saved my bacon.
I had my mammogram paperwork on my bulletin board at work for over two years. Dismissive and invincible on the outside but avoidant fear at the root of my procrastination. I was too young for breast cancer but I also knew I had a history of it on both sides. I was avoiding the test.
Pandemic numbers were going up as I packed up my desk to work from home for the next lockdown. I looked at the paper and thought to myself, if I take this home without booking the appointment, I will never find this requisition again. I thought services would be limited due to the pandemic but lucky for me there was a cancellation. The lady at reception was as surprised as I was when I got my appointment within four days.
Within four days of that baseline mammogram, I got a call to come back for ‘more tests’ and within four days of that-a biopsy was ordered.
The day before I got my diagnosis, I called a friend from work who had just won his battle with the big C and I asked what I was going to do if the biopsy results came back as cancer. Talking with him, I prepared mentally and allowed myself to believe it could happen to me because it could happen to anyone.
The enormity of that thought crumpled me. Lucky for me I was already into kink when I got cancer because it was a total mindfuck. Just the word has clout. It breathes fear into people. I felt like the walking dead and that people were looking at me like that with tears in their eyes, lumps in their throats and fear in their hearts.
The moment I got my diagnosis I knew that I did not want to die. I felt so irresponsible for allowing my body to hear the voice of my depression speak so freely and uncensored in my psyche, “I don’t like this life,” she whispers to me, “I don’t want to live anymore.” Though I had never spoken those words out loud my body would have always been listening to my depressive thoughts.
On top of that I felt a deep grief for the waste of time and energy I had devoted to hating my breasts as a part of my devotion to pure body hatred all of my life. So trivial now when I think of it. My body did nothing but safely host me on this crazy thing called life and yet I hated this vessel for as long as I can remember. I never celebrated it, never marveled at its ability to create pleasure and I sure as shit did not worship it, nurture it or show it due respect for its wisdom.
I remember grabbing my chest protectively when I knew I was going to lose my breasts, realizing that I had missed my chance to get to know them. I had just learned how to have a nipple orgasm about six months prior to my diagnosis when I deep dove into a sexual exploration of tantra and BDSM after my marriage ended (amicably) earlier that year.
I sacrificed my breasts for peace of mind and to be free of cancer quick and dirty. I grieved the loss of my nipple pleasure but knew with my family history, my ongoing struggle with depression, and the global pandemic sweeping the world second wave; now it was time to grieve and say good-bye.
Leading up to my surgery I blogged about Booby Love and tried to inspire the women in my life to love their breasts for a moment or two a day. I had a little love affair with mine; I danced and shaked those beautiful tatas for at least an hour a day and I delighted in every sensation they gave. I had fun with my breasts for the first time in my life. I giggled with them and I delighted in them. I cried first every day for as long as was needed and then I danced it out to stay high vibe.
My cancer coach encouraged me to exercise to fight the cancer because it will help my mood and make my body strong to recover from surgery. It was a healthy outlet for the stress. I had never been fitter in my life (up until now) because of that advice and he was right. Gyms and everything were closed because of the pandemic so I had to get creative at home. My life coach Glenda suggested I dance with cancer instead of fight, so I voraciously consumed free content from youtube and danced my way through cancer. Morning and night I meditated and massaged my breasts and savoured the sensual pleasure that my breasts held in them.
In the month leading up to surgery I was begging my body for forgiveness in worship of pleasure and I had fun with my body as a daily ritual to say sorry, I expressed my love and gratitude to it by cultivating pleasure and thanking it by allowing it to express pleasure freely and teach me my own deepest gifts in the process.
I had two newish lovers when I got my diagnosis but they both decided to peace out, which was totally fair but that left me A-L-O-N-E. I was angry at the universe for not having a lover or a fucking line up of lovers coming to worship these breasts before they became medical waste. I love sex and enjoy a healthy and vibrant sex life but covid and cancer made it dangerous to date or find anyone to play or practice with. I had to become my own EPIC lover.
However, just in the nick of time my breasts manifested a tantric lover who like a superhero came in and worshiped and massaged those beautiful titties for a whole month before surgery and witnessed their send off in a way. Thank you Yoniverse <3
Sigh, let’s take a moment of silence for those beauties, may they rest in peace. My surgery took place on February 26, 2021.
I also take a moment of gratitude for all the humans who go into the helping professions of medicine. I am here today happily writing this article and reflecting on my cancer journey because those folks felt inspired to go to school and learn how to help other humans like me get through health crisis’.
My cancer coach taught me about mindset so I decided to look at my hospital stay like it was a spa, all that loving care, touch and primping. My life coach taught me to smile and dance through cancer when I think left to my own devices I might have crumpled. I sent her videos of me trying to learn to twerk to WAP and shifting and lifting my mood every day.
I received nothing but the most genuine care, support, patience, faith from my family, my workplace and my community. What I loved about having cancer was that I was able to receive back some of the love that I had sent out into the world, I was astounded at what came flowing back to me, it was HEAPS of love. I felt so truly carried and held through my cancer journey even though I fought a lot of it in my head waiting and isolating.
I must also give honourable mention to my other cancer care team. I am a bisexual poly type gal and enjoy having many lovers. Over my cancer journey I had seven fellas that I had met virtually on a dating app in the time after I had cut myself off from the world for fear of getting covid and a surgical delay. It killed me that tits weren’t being worshipped daily by oodles of men and women before they got removed but I had to be careful.
‘My Group of Seven’ would worship virtually. Each day I would take photos and videos of my breasts to remember them and I would send them off to my dudes. They would give me whatever I needed, dirty talk, a virtual hand hold, a phone call, words of affirmation, a pep talk. These men didn’t know me, didn’t owe me anything but were devoted to holding me through this experience. I will be forever grateful. I have met four of them since and we celebrated deliciously that I lived and that my surgeon was an artist. My new breasts are absolutely stunning.
I meditated and drank in all that breast pleasure while I was saying good-bye. The privilege I have received from that experience is that I will not waste any more time in life hating myself. Between Cancer and the isolation of Covid I had to learn to love myself in order to live with myself through such a scary event. Now I am pretty much a legend in my own mind.
Within 6 weeks of my surgery I was beginning to feel pleasure awaken amidst the pain in my reconstructed breasts. I have full sensation and the ability to orgasm with each breast as if I still had nipples! I am a goddess-damn walking miracle! And you can bet I strut accordingly!
I want to give back to the Breast Cancer Community and help others create ceremonies and say good-bye to cancer and hello to pleasure.
Image of Jen Gordon used for the article. Photo credit: Gabriela Cruz Photography
Wash Me is a new adult film by Erika Lust Films that offers an intimate portrait of a woman re-discovering her body and desire after breast cancer. Based on the director Rebecca Stewart's own story, this is the first explicit film in history to raise awareness about sex with breast cancer.