Getting the Most Out of Friends-With-Benefits

Media and modern films don’t help, with TV show after movie depicting friends who start hooking up with no feelings, and end up attached, in love - sometimes to disastrous extents. It also doesn’t help that when you brought up the idea of starting a little casual sex ‘thing with that recently-single university friend you always thought was cute, all of your friends over brunch exclaimed their disagreement: “Friends with benefits?! That never works!”. As they all cited more excellent romcoms as scientific sources, you pensively sipped on your mimosa. Maybe there are silver linings to having a purely physical, no strings attached, sex friendship? If done right?

We’re here to show you how to prove your friends wrong and fully take advantage of a well-built, mature, Friends-With-Benefits situation.

Of course, the beauty of FWB is that you manufacture your own bond. Every FWB or casual relationship has its own distinct identity; from one bond to another, you might find completely different rules, expectations, and “culture”. The advice we will give you might work, but it might also not, depending on what exactly you are shaping the relationship to be. Maybe you have -100 feelings. Maybe you have a few - but you’re keeping them on the dow-low because you don’t want anything more. All FWB are equally valid, but not to be handled in the same way.

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So, without further ado, here are 4 ways to make the most out of it:

A great way to take advantage of a casual situation is by using it to try new things. Feelings can always make everything more complicated - including opening up. In committed relationships, people sometimes get a bit nervous when suggesting new ideas to bring into the bedroom. That’s normal - it is scary! They might judge you and never speak to you again. It might go wrong, and they never speak to you again. You might realize your sexual incompatibility, and they never speak to you again. Curiosity killed the cat. All because you wanted to try this or that. And now you’re crying, listening to your favorite Lana del Rey song: it’s all over just because of that one sexual encounter that went bad. Well, first of all, that won’t happen in an emotional relationship - if there’s mutual trust and each of you like the other for the right reasons. (No guarantees, though - just didn’t want to feed into your intrusive thoughts.) And second of all, this means your FWB setup is the perfect place to experiment with things that might not work. You already have the chemistry, so if you’re not (too) attached (big if), it’s chill. Some pressure is lifted, and it’s a no-judgment zone—a sexual safe space with low stakes. So take advantage of it! It’s the perfect time to refine your sexual identity: test out that toy you’ve been dying to buy, try a threesome, or explore your BDSM limits. Need more ideas?

There are a lot of different possible scenarios. Maybe you also just broke up with your ex and don’t want anything serious. Perhaps you’re just super horny, but work has been crazy these days, and you don’t have time for anything more. Whatever the reason, you don’t have to justify the will for something casual. Because most of all, it’s you, your sex life, and your emotions. You decide - and acting in the best way for you is super important. Not for your sister’s wedding for which your +1 has to be a significant other you’re practically engaged to. Anyhow, take this time for yourself. The money you would’ve spent on a cute dinner date to celebrate your monthiversary, spend it on a spa retreat, with you and yourself. Now that you have a reliable source for sex, and you’re not spending your time looking for people on dating apps or fantasizing about finally getting some because summer has been a dry spell, focus on your career - work hard, long hours, and make all of that $$ for you to spend on yourself. Similarly, take this as an opportunity to introspect, to understand yourself better. Think: what do I need in a relationship? How much importance do I give to sex, in a relationship? What makes me comfortable? Take this as a My Psychology 101 crash course - you can learn so much about your psyche, romantically and alone.

You started off as friends. It’s true; sometimes, when sex gets involved, things might get complicated. But please try to keep that from being the case! Friendship is one of the most valuable and universal aspects of being a living being. If you’ve already established that perhaps, you’re not meant to be dating, keep your friendship. This should be the priority - you are friends+, not dating-. Be a good person, a good friend. Listen to what they have to say. Care - like a friend would. Don’t play games. Friendship isn’t quantum physics and the rule is simple - you’re nice to them, they’re nice to you. Golden rule. Maybe, at some point in your arrangement, you’ll realize that the sex part isn’t working out as well as it was, or that it’s time to end the, err, carnal portion of your friendship. This is still someone who has been part of your life. If you have to stop having sex, that’s ok. As long as you stay friends, because that’s what matters and what being kind is about.

Yes, I had to. One of the best things about FWB is its little potential to become something more. That is a bit counterintuitive, sure. But maybe your friends over brunch were right. Maybe, sometimes, people do get feelings, and the whole “no emotions” thing gets thrown out the window. But feelings aren’t always bad. Imagine if they’re reciprocated. You tolerate each other. You find each other attractive. Your sex is fantastic and stress-free. You focused on yourself, and now you feel secure and confident with where you are in life. And most of all, you’ve already built an excellent basis for a relationship - a friendship, a relation of mutual trust and care. (BRB - trying to manifest all of that for 2023). Anyhow, what would be so bad about dating? Of course, if one of you is not ready for that stage yet, it’s time to have a conversation, see where things are going and figure it out. But if you like them, they like you, and it’s going well - don’t put obstacles in the way of your own happiness! Time to channel your inner Mila Kunis/Justin Timberlake and show off to the brunch squad your mastery of the FWB-to-relationship pipeline

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