Vaginismus and Masturbation: Top Tips for Pleasure without Penetration

As part of my masturbation month celebration, I’m handing over to my Content Manager, Brogan, who will write about her own experience with vaginismus and give some tips on how to masturbate without penetration.

There are many reasons that you may want to masturbate without penetration. You may simply prefer touching the outside of your vulva (hello, clitoris), you might find penetration difficult, or you may have or have had vaginismus, like me. If you don’t know much about vaginismus, it's the term used to describe the body’s automatic reaction to the fear of some or all types of vaginal penetration. It’s a mind-body response that causes the vaginal muscles to tighten or spasm involuntarily when penetration is attempted and it can result in the vagina clamping up and blocking entry.

There’s no single cause of vaginismus, it can be both psychological and physical. In some cases it can be caused by a fear of penetration, past sexual trauma, or anxiety – occasionally a result of inadequate or non-existent sex education. In others, there can be a physical explanation or a medical condition that causes it.

In my case, my vaginismus first made itself known when I started my period and tried to use a tampon for the first time. Whilst trying to force it in and thinking to myself 'how the hell am I going to do this every month', I subsequently fainted in the school toilets. I brushed it off and told the nurse that maybe I hadn't had enough sugar that day, too mortified to tell her the truth, and got on with my day thinking maybe tampons just weren't for me.

But a couple of years later when I tried to have penetrative sex for the first time a similar sensation happened again. It meant that any attempt at penetration was impossible and extremely painful. Through gritted teeth I tried to push through the pain or drink alcohol to "loosen me up" but trying to get a penis inside of me was like trying to get something through a brick wall. I’d heard the horror stories about “losing your virginity” and I expected some pain, but I didn’t expect it to be like this.

I was a teenager and as such I was extremely embarrassed of anything that made me feel not "normal". So, as I didn’t know who I could speak to about it, and as none of my sex ed classes had even gotten close to describing anything similar to this, I presumed there was something wrong with me and for months I didn't speak to anyone about it.

Vaginismus — which Jezebel described as the female version of erectile dysfunction — is still under-discussed, under-studied, and sufferers are often toon ashamed to seek treatment or are misdiagnosed when they do.

It’s reported that between 5 and 17% of people suffer from vaginismus, although these statistics are tricky due to the number of people like teenage me who do not discuss their symptoms with anybody. Although sexuality in general has become a less taboo subject over recent years, women’s sexual liberation still has a long way to go. The message that women are to be sexually pleasing to men first and that their own sexual needs and pleasure come second is still promoted in the media and in wider society. When this is paired with a medical system that does not take women’s sexual pain seriously and societal expectations of women’s fertility, many women hold back from visiting a doctor to speak about any type of sexual dysfunction.

In my experience, after months of many failed attempts at penetration, lots of googling, worrying, and speaking to absolutely nobody about it, I finally went to my doctor to find out what was happening. Vaginismus is highly treatable and there are a range of different treatments which are appropriate for different people. My treatment involved relaxation techniques and using vaginal trainers (smooth dildo shaped objects that start smaller-than-your-little-finger and increase in size, to help you gradually get used to having something inserted into your vagina).

After two years of treatment and a lot of time spent researching vaginismus I was able to have penetrative sex for the first time. Other people find that their treatment is effective after just a few weeks, and for some it’s a longer process. It’s now been over 10 years since I was able to first have penetrative sex and I am mostly able to have intercourse without pain, however my vaginismus still appears intermittently in certain contexts and circumstances. One of those being when I masturbate, which means I often don’t include penetration in my solo sex sessions.

Having vaginismus can sometimes shift or alter your view of sex and pleasure; for me it means that being sexually connected to my body is a very important part of my life. I worked very hard to experience sexual pleasure which I believe ultimately gave me a better understanding of my sexuality and made me realise just how vital my sexual needs are.

So, without further ado, this is the Lust guide for anyone with a vulva who has vaginismus or would just like to touch themselves without entering their vagina. Everything is based on my own relationship with vaginismus, self pleasure and I recognise that everyone’s needs are different.

Before You Start: Set the Mood

This is important for everyone but it is especially important for people who associate sex with pain. Set the mood and seduce yourself! Light some candles, listen to some music, put on some sexy lingerie if that's your thing, and make sure you’re in a private space where you will not be disturbed by a housemate or family member. This should be a pleasurable and relaxing experience for you. Remember that everything you do from here on out is completely about you and your pleasure; no one else. This is your time to get to know and explore your body, and bring some self-awareness to your sexuality.

Start on the Outside

If you don’t want direct skin-on-skin contact with your vulva that’s completely fine. You can try touching yourself whilst wearing a glove, putting a blanket or towel between your vulva and your hand or you can simply touch yourself over your underwear or clothes. There are no rules here, you decide what feels good.

Hands Free

If you don’t want to use your hands at all, you can try grinding against something to apply pressure to your clitoris by rocking your hips back and forth to stimulate yourself. It doesn’t matter what you grind on, find something comfortable for you. You could try a pillow, a bunched up towel, or a piece of furniture if it feels good.

Explore the Erogenous Zones

There are so many erogenous zones on the body that can bring us pleasure and orgasms so take time to explore them! Aside from the clitoris, try to touch or rub your nipples, caress your abdomen, massage your thighs, run your finger around your vulva or your anus if it feels good for you.

The One, The Only… The Clitoris

Welcome to your pleasure centre. Packed with 8,000 nerve endings, stimulating the clitoris is the best way to reach orgasm for many people. If you feel comfortable touching it, it’s time to experiment with this pleasure bean.

Do you prefer a soft touch or a hard rub? Do you prefer circles, side-to-side motions, or light tapping? You’ll never know until you try… Start by lubing up your index and middle fingers and experiment with different touches and
intensities to see what feels good. Remember that even when you’re not entering your vagina lube is still important. No one wants a friction burn on their clit.

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall

Get that mirror out and look at what you’ve been blessed with. Every vulva is different, and we all like to touch ourselves in different ways. Some people with vaginas prefer direct clitoral contact, while others like to touch slightly above, below, or to the side of the visible clit. So, grab your hand mirror to spend some time admiring your vulva and show yourself exactly where you like to be touched.

Non-Penetrative Sex Toys

If you feel like you want to bring something else into the bedroom with you, adding a vibrator to your repertoire can really up your masturbation game. There are a huge range of sex toys that focus on external pleasure on your vulva. Check out the Doxy Wand, the Unbound Bean, or oral sex stimulators such as the much acclaimed Satisfyer Pro. Dame also makes a tiny finger vibe called Fin that is perfect for people who haven’t used vibrators before.

Water Baby

If you haven’t had solo sex in water yet, now is your time. If you’re blessed with a detachable shower head, get that baby down there. If you’re not one of the lucky ones, you can position yourself conveniently under the stream from the tap in your bath. Adjust the water pressure and the temperature to your liking et voila…

Practice Mindful Masturbation

Finally, I would also recommend practicing some mindful masturbation. You may have heard of mindfulness, which Sociologist, intimacy and communication coach, and author Dr Jenn Gunsaullus describes as, “the skill in being present at any moment to whats happening inside of you and whats happening outside of you, and not judging anything that you notice or adding a value to it, positive or negative.”

So, mindful masturbation is simply practicing mindfulness whilst touching yourself. It is the act of slowing down and fine tuning into your senses whilst engaging in self pleasure. It helps you to bring attention to your body, practice more self-awareness and enhance the mind-body connection. If you want to learn more about this you can watch Dr Jenn's free Lust Ed video to Mindful Masturbation for a guided session.

These are my top tips for masturbating without penetration, but the most important thing to remember is; no orgasm, no problem. Nothing makes an orgasm disappear like the fear of not having an orgasm. Try not to over think it; most people eventually find what works for them with a little time or patience. Even if you don’t have an orgasm from masturbation, it’s likely that you will still feel some pleasurable sensations and there is nothing better than taking some time out of your day to focus on your own body and it’s wants and needs. Why not make it a daily ritual?