The Difference Between Sex, Gender & Sexuality, Explained

Being at home for over a year has really given a lot of us some time to get to know ourselves a little better. In these journeys of self-discovery, many of us learned and identified with various parts of the gender and sexuality spectrum. With help from social media and the internet, we were able to see many people we love and adore come into their true selves! Of course folks' general curiosity was piqued while we saw a lot of our favorite celebrities and influencers announce to us changes in pronouns, gender identity & sexuality. For example, singer Kehlani shared that they use She/They pronouns now. Actor Elliot Page announced that he had transitioned and now uses He/Him pronouns. And teen star Jojo Siwa came out as pansexual!

What are all of these terms? What do they mean and what do they have to do with you? Well it starts with a little, R-E-S-P-E-C-T (shoutout to Ms. Aretha), care & understanding. As a non-binary person, I know how hard it was navigating this for myself and understand how it might be just as confusing for others. Let’s break down some of the differences & terminology.

Sex, Gender & Sexuality Are Not The Same

Sex is the label you are assigned at birth based on different medical factors. But binary sex as we know it has been debunked because folks can be Male, Female or Intersex. Sex is, moreso, biological.

Gender is an intricate system of social roles, identities & expressions, usually assigned based on one’s genitalia, assigned at birth. However, gender as we also know it is a vast spectrum that goes beyond Man & Woman. Gender Identity (internal), is one's own sense of gender, personally. Gender identities also have an immense spectrum; folks can be and identify as transgender, cisgender, 2Spirit, non-binary, etc. Gender identities as we continue to see are extremely unique to every culture. Gender Expression (external), usually, but not always, reflects a person's gender identity. This is, you guessed it, also an enormous spectrum. Folks can express/present butch, androgynous, femme, etc. And that is just the tip of the iceberg!

Sexual orientation is someone’s sexual desire or attraction to other folks of a certain gender or sex. Folks can identify as bisexual, pansexual, queer, heterosexual, etc. Romantic orientation is someone’s desire for emotional or intimate relationships with people of a certain gender or sex. This may or may not match someone’s sexual orientation. For example, someone can be biromantic in which they have a romantic attraction to men & women but might only have sexual attraction to men.

What’s With All The Labels?

Confused about whether or not someone might be transgender or cisgender? It’s not our business. Want to know whether or not someone is straight, queer or open? Unless we’re interested in dating or wanting to be intimate with this person, also not any of our business. Wondering why someone might be wearing more masculine clothing and be more femme presenting? Also not our business. And of course, someone uses pronouns other than She/He? Not our business to ask why, simply respect it. Labels have been around forever. Sometimes they are used to divide us, but today, we use these labels as tools for us to describe who we are and how we want to be seen in the world; as ways for us to build community and chosen family.

“Why Should I Care About Someone’s Pronouns?”

As a Black, queer, non-binary person, my existence is constantly ignored and challenged in this world. Overtly and covertly, I am discriminated against and judged for being Black, I am judged and questioned for being queer; being non-binary, has been just as difficult of an experience. I do not identify as a woman, even though I might sometimes look or present that way to others. I feel as someone in community with folks of all transgender experiences, it is my duty to make sure that all of our voices are heard, all of our experiences, traumas, feelings and lives are understood and validated, and that at the bare minimum, allies are able to respect all of us as human beings. When we scale it all back and get rid of all of the labels we have for ourselves, we are left with names and our bodies. We are human. We are different, because we are unique.

I often hear many folks ask “why should I care about someone else’s pronouns? I don’t use those.” My response is the same every time. 1) It's not about you; it's about common decency and respect for another person. 2) If someone were to call you anything other than your name, you’d more than likely be upset or offended. It’s going to be an adjustment but it makes a world of difference in asking appropriate questions to make folks feel comfortable and feel seen.

If you’re meeting someone for the first time, simply introduce yourself and say something like “Hey, my name is Niyyah! My pronouns are They & Niyyah. How about you?” This normalizes asking someone for their pronouns and also helps folks identify that they are seen and respected with you. The way folks identify is not to try and push their life on you, it is simply a way for you to see and understand them. Remember, never to judge a book by its cover, don’t assume someone’s pronouns or gender identity just by looking and them & as always lovelies, Heaux Responsibly!