How to Make Consent Sexy: A Sexologist's Tips

Consent is a sexual skill all sexually active people must acquire and use. Consent is all about asking and giving permission before engaging in sexual contact. To break it down simply, consent is freely given, meaning it must always be given without coercion or pressure. Consent is reversible: it can be withdrawn at any point of a relationship or sexual experience. Consent is informed, so there are no surprises - everything that is performed must be consensual. Consent is specific, which suggests that saying yes to one act doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. Remember, it’s sexy to be direct.

As a sexologist, I assist couples and individuals in how to make every sexual experience a pleasurable experience. Consent is something I cover with all of my clients as a necessary tool that can be used to enhance sexual communication before, during and after sex. A common question I hear from my clients on consent is how do they ask and give consent in a way that doesn’t “kill the mood” or take one out of the moment? Truth is, nothing is sexier than consent. It can be an absolute turn on and only add to the heat of the moment. Below are a few tips on how to use consent in a sexy way.

It’s all about the delivery

Be clear, confident, and curious. Use a tone of voice that is right for the moment. Be it a whisper, an assertive voice, a submissive voice, or a moan, asking for permission can be a really fun way to delve into some light power play with a partner. When there is trust that a partner honors your desire and your limits - this creates safe-grounds where the fun can happen, fantasies can be shared, and negotiations of scenarios can take place.

• “I’ve desired this moment for so long. Can I [__] you right here in the kitchen?”
• “I want you to rip off my clothes the second we enter the bedroom. How does that sound to you?”
• “I’d like to feel you inside me. Is that something you’d like to feel too?”

Pass the mic

Asking for permission is great, but listening to your partner say what they want done to them is even hotter.

• “Enough about me. What do you want me to do to you?”
• “Why don’t you tell me what you want?”
• “What have you always desired someone to do to you?”

Continuous consent is a total turn on

You may already be engaging in ongoing consent.

• “Yes!”
• “Keep going!”
• “I love it when you [__].”
• “This feels so good. Right there. Don't stop.”

Say what you want to do… and be specific!

Tell your partner what you are going to do. How do you want to do it?

• “I want to take off your dress and bend you over. Would you like that?”
• “I’ve always been curious about using a butt plug. What do you think about that?”
• “I want to take you home, undress you in the doorway and throw you on the bed. Does that turn you on?”

Say what you’re doing in the here and the now

Communicating out loud what you’re doing during sex is a way to not only keep things consensual but can add to an extra auditory sensation during sex. If you’re into dirty talking, this one's for you.

• “I love [__] you in this position. Tell me how it feels.”
• “This is so hot. I want you to [__] me. Can you do that for me?”
• “Going down on you turns me on so much. I love the way you taste.”

What if you’re just not into it?

Sexually, when we are in trusted consensual partnerships, we may find ourselves in situations where we don’t always share the same fantasies as our partner. That’s completely expected. So what if your partner asks for consent to do something you’re just not into?

• Make a safe word that is known and agreed upon by all partners before sex. That way, you don’t have to stumble over the right words that you fear may “kill the mood”.
• Use positive rejection. Positive rejection is all about negotiation. Just because you are not into one thing, doesn’t mean all doors are closed. Use it as an opportunity for sexual negotiation. Say: “I’m not really feeling that, but maybe we can do this?”

Get comfortable with hearing the word “No”

When it comes to consent, the answer is just as important as the question. If you’ve got yourself a strong and verbal “Yes”, congratulations! You’ve successfully received sexual consent. But getting comfortable with hearing the word “No” is critical. It’s not a personal rejection, it’s a person asserting their own personal boundaries as we all should feel safe and comfortable with doing so. No is a complete sentence and it is non-negotiable. Remember to always respect all “No’s” and move on. Remember, sex without consent is rape, which is a crime. Receiving a “no” is also an opportunity to explore and learn more about the sexual preferences of your partner. How sexy is that? There is so much more to learn about each other’s desires.

Say what you want to do next time

Consent can also be used after a sexual experience. When the condoms are tossed in the trash and we’ve gone our separate ways, consent can still be practiced to get ready for the next time. Asking a partner via verbal or nonverbal communication can keep things hot, curious and consensual.

• Send a sext: “Our last time together was so hot. Next time I would like to [__]. What do you think about that?”.
• Ask permission if sharing a scene from a porn film that turned you on. Ask them for their input, “Would you be interested in trying this sometime with me?”
• Say: “I loved that time we [__]. How about we take it to the next level by….?”

Consent is one of the hottest parts about sex. One of the key takeaways about consent is that it is not to be used as a one-off request, but it’s an ongoing, hot and sexy conversation. It is not something that just occurs at the beginning of a relationship or sexual experience, but is to be consistently used frequently before, during and after sexual contact. We’re human - and our sexual preferences may change over our lifetime, so asking for consent is not only necessary, it’s a great tool to find out more about your sexual partners. What are they into? What are they not into? What might they not be into now but were before? What might they have consented to in the past but don’t anymore?

There’s only one way to find out - using consent and making it sexy.