Ask Lust: How Do I Introduce BDSM Into My Relationship?

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Hi Erika,
Any advice about introducing BDSM in a relationship?
— Johanne V

Hi Johanne V,

Thank you for your question! Kink can be an exciting addition to your sex life, but introducing it to your relationship can take some planning. Here’s how to talk to your partner about your interests and explore the kinky side in your relationship.

Figure out which part of BDSM you’re interested in

The first step is to understand BDSM and which part of it you’re interested in. BDSM is a huge umbrella term for anything that falls under bondage, dominance, discipline, sadism, submission, and masochism.

Sometimes it involves power play with clear dominant and submissive roles and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it means sex, and sometimes it doesn't involve sex at all. Whether it’s spanking, impact play, choking, restraints, temperature play, financial domination, humiliation, piss play, sensory depravation… it doesn’t matter and it's different for everyone. Just do some research and figure out what it is exactly that turns you on. This can be through reading articles (you can see my beginners introduction to BDSM here, reading erotica, watching BDSM adult movies.

Talk to your partner

Once you’ve worked out what it is in BDSM that you want to try, it’s time to talk to your partner. Talking to your partner about sex should be a regular part of your relationship, if it's not you can use this time to make it. If you feel nervous, be honest with your partner about this. You can tell them that having this conversation is hard for you and that you might feel vulnerable being so open with them. Choose a time to speak to your partner without distractions in a neutral space. Check out my post on how to speak to your partner about sex for more on this.

You should try to be specific about what you want to try as for a lot of people who do not have an prior knowledge, when they hear BDSM they may instantly think of dark dungeons and cages. Explain what it is you’re interested in but do not press your partner for an immediate yes or no answer about whether they would try it with you. Give them time to go away and think about it alone, and tell them to come back to you with their thoughts when they’re ready.

Remember to try and manage your own expectations too; even if your partner does not react in the way you had hoped, respect their autonomy and their decision.

More communication

If you’ve established that your partner is interested in exploring BDSM with you, it’s super important that before you try anything you both establish consent, boundaries and a safe word. This is an ongoing discussion, not a one time conversation, as boundaries are constantly changing and evolving.

Watch some videos together

Porn has not only been found to increase sexual desire between partners when watched together but it’s also been found to provide individuals and couples with ideas to expand their sexual repertoire. Watching videos can open your eyes to kinks and fetishes that you never even considered before. That’s not to say that everything that turns you on in porn you will like in real life — there are many things that people like to watch but would never ever want to try in real life — but it might open your eyes to something that you’d like to try with a trusted partner.

But, please remember that porn is made to entertain, not educate. So don’t take everything you see too literally. This should be used as a tool to open discussions with your partner and discover mutual interests, not to give you an instruction manual on how to do a certain thing.

Visit a sex-positive therapist with your partner

This one comes with a big disclaimer: I understand that therapy is expensive and unfortunately not accessible to everyone, therefore this point is unfortunately not for everyone.

However, if it’s accessible for you and if you and your partner are struggling to communicate your desires together you could visit a sex-positive therapist to help lead the conversation between you. The ever growing interest and acceptance of BDSM and kink has resulted in a growing number of sex positive therapists offering kink and BDSM -informed therapy. However, sex therapy is still a relatively young industry so you should take the time to find the right therapist for you/your partner.

Buy some tools together

Wanna tie each other up? Go to the shop and buy some rope together. The planning of the act and shopping for sex toys can be as much fun as actually doing the act and can even be considered part of foreplay. You can either go to a shop together and make a day of it, or do it online from your bed… who knows maybe the second option will lead you to doing something else in bed too 😉

Have a session with a pro

If you’re not sure where to start and you have the funds to do it, having a session with a pro dom can be a really educative and eye opening experience. They can guide you through different types of play so you can work out what you like. You can do this with your partner or alone if you're still looking to figure out exactly what you like.

Do your research

This is especially important if you want to practice of the more risky elements of BDSM such as choking, strangulation, or flogging. You should do as much research as possible beforehand to make sure you practice it safely.

If you’re using a flogger or a whip, always practice beforehand on yourself to know how hard you can go. Even the most common sex toys can feel bad if not used properly or if used for too long. You should then make sure you are constantly checking in with your partner throughout the experience to check that what you are doing feels good (or vice versa if you are the receiver). Check out this free Lust Ed video Fetish Coaching with Tyomi Morgan, JetSetting Jasmine and King Noire to find out more about flogging safely.

Don't panic

Don’t get hung up on it, it doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship. Not everyone will have a positive reaction to BDSM and you should be prepared for this. BDSM is shrouded in a lot of shame and judgement, so this may be your partner’s immediate response. Give them time to go away and do their own research and thinking, and then see if their opinion changes.

If it doesn’t, there are other ways you could still explore BDSM without your partner, as long as you and your partner are on the same page about this. Whether it’s with new partners, professionals, alone, or by watching porn that satisfies your interests – go back to the conversation stage and work this out. And as long as your partner doesn’t continue to shame you for being interested in BDSM, it doesn’t need to be a problem that they don’t share all of your desires.

Good luck!

Erika
xoxo

Check out Feminist & Submissive, Faithful Dogs and the rest of the BDSM category on XConfessions. Or, watch my adult series on Lust Cinema Safe Word and follow Christie (Mona Wales) as she navigates her way through the world of BDSM for the first time, discovering what she enjoys in the process.