Mindful Masturbation When You Find Self Pleasure Embarrassing

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Dear Ask Lust,
I'm 26 and I've never had an orgasm. I recently got a new boyfriend and as we were having sex he asked me what I wanted him to do to me. I had no idea what to say… I've never masturbated or touched myself and I have no idea what I like. I know it sounds silly but when I've tried masturbating in the past I've found it quite awkward and embarrassing. Do you have some advice on how to start masturbating?
— Alice

Hi Alice,

Thank you for getting in touch with your question for Ask Lust. I’d firstly like to say that you are not alone with this problem. We live in a sex negative world that teaches women to feel ashamed of their bodies and their pleasure, so it’s not uncommon to feel awkward when first touching yourself. Many of us grow up in societies where women are dichotomised as either sluts or virgins. We lack a thorough, comprehensible sex education that teaches us about female masturbation and our anatomy outside of our reproductive organs. We’re taught how to avoid getting pregnant and contracting STIs but we’re not taught how to have sex for pleasure. Hell, most of us aren’t even told about the clitoris! We’re often conditioned to believe that our vulvas look weird or smell weird and are ultimately something to be embarrassed of from a very young age. All of these things and more can result in a lot of internalisation, insecurity and feelings of shame connected to our bodies and our vulvas, which means a lot of women such as yourself are not able to explore their own bodies or talk about their desires without feeling guilty or shameful for doing so, and of course this makes it even harder to get pleasure and enjoyment from sex.

Masturbation is a really important developmental practice that helps you learn where and how you like to be touched. From which parts of your body feel erotic and sensitive and which don’t, to the amount of pressure you like and the type of touch that feels good – self pleasure helps you discover your body by yourself before you have erotic experiences with other people. So, as you’ve already figured out, it’s a really great tool to work out what type of sex you like which you can then share with your sexual partners and have more pleasurable and fulfilling sex.

The lucky thing is that it’s never too late to learn how to touch yourself and to experience an orgasm. The best way to learn about your body and become more comfortable with touching yourself is to become more familiar with it. I understand that this has proven hard for you, so I’d like to recommend that you try mindful masturbation.

What is mindful masturbation?

You may have heard of mindfulness, which Sociologist, intimacy and communication coach, and author Dr Jenn Gunsaullus describes as, “the skill in being present at any moment to whats happening inside of you and whats happening outside of you, and not judging anything that you notice or adding a value to it, positive or negative.”

Mindful masturbation, or meditative masturbation, is simply practicing mindfulness whilst touching yourself. It is the act of slowing down and fine tuning into your senses whilst engaging in self pleasure. It helps you to bring attention to your body, practice more self-awareness and enhance the mind-body connection. Dr Jenn defines it as, "a pleasurable, present and romantic ritual for yourself" and a time to "experience a slow, mindful, sensual touching of your body and genitals.“

And it doesn’t have to stop at mindful masturbation either, Clinical Sexologist and Project Manager of my sex ed non-profit platform The Porn Conversation, Avril Louise Clarke says, “Mindful masturbation is a great first step into practicing mindful sex, which is all about bridging mental and physical presence during sex.” So although you can start it solo, this may be a practice that you also engage in with partners later down the line.

Why should I practice it?

Mindful masturbation can help you feel more connected to your body and your desires – who you are, what you like, and what you want. It gives you permission to be in your body and be in charge of your own pleasure. You’ve probably heard by now that the most important relationship you can have is with yourself, and it’s true; we really need to work on knowing ourselves before sharing ourselves with someone else. It has also been found to improve a number of sexual problems such as anxiety, low libido, as well as help people have better sex with deeper pleasure.

Sounds good, but how do I do it?

There are no rules when it comes to mindful masturbation but you can try some of these suggestions to get started. Just remember that it doesn’t have to be anything too fancy. You don’t have to spend money on any particular tools or be interested in new age practices, you can practice mindful masturbation simply by creating your own safe space, slowing down and paying attention to your senses whilst touching yourself.

1- Set the mood
Setting the right mood is key - you should create a safe comfortable space that allows you to feel erotic. Imagine that you were setting a space for a romantic partner; silence your phone, dim the lights, light some candles, get comfortable, and seduce yourself. Treat yourself with the same amount of love that you would for someone else.

Avril suggests, ”creating a calm environment can enhance a mindful masturbation session. Think of the sights, smells, sounds, and sensations you can add to create a sensual experience. Whether it's the touch of silk sheets, the sounds of a meditation playlist, a lit candle or an oil diffuser.”

2 - Set the stage emotionally
Learning to be present and to let thoughts come and go is hard. Before starting to touch yourself Dr Jenn recommends setting the stage for yourself emotionally, “this is a good time to dig a little deeper into where you learned those negative thoughts and emotions. You’ve inherited them from somewhere but they don't have to be your truth anymore.”

And have you heard of spectatoring? Avril explains, “spectatoring is the complete opposite of mindful sex. Everyone has experienced this. It can be recognized as the critical internal dialogue that you may experience during sex. The one that is worried about the way one's body looks or one's sexual performance.”

3 - Schedule it
Schedule mindful masturbation as little or as often as you like. You could start by blocking out 1 or 2 times a week to start and see how you go. Treat it like any other appointment in your diary and stick to it.

4 - Get rid of external stimuli
It’s important to rid yourself of external stimuli, this is about connecting with your body. Avril explains that “instead of using fantasy or visual stimuli like porn, focus on your body and its responses.”

5 - Start erogenous zone-free
To get you started, start by scanning your body and touching different parts of it to find out what feels good and what doesn’t, what pressure of touch you like, but stay away from your erogenous zones. This is exploratory sensual touch with no pressure of arousal or orgasm. Touch your belly, do you like being touched there? What about your neck? Your feet? Try it all.

When you’re ready to move onto your erogenous zones you can start by touching yourself over the top of your clothes, then once you’re comfortable with that try it in your underwear, and once you're comfortable with that you can remove your underwear and touch your genitals directly.

6 - Go slow
Slow down. Avril suggests, “to begin mindfully masturbating, remember not to rush into getting off, start slowly and focus on any sensations of pleasure, no matter how small they may be”.

7 - Pay attention to everything
This could mean anything from touching parts of your body that you’ve never considered erotic before to see how they feel to bringing attention to your environment. If you are using toys to masturbate Avril suggests that you “feel the texture, fabrics, and motions in your hands before using it on your genitals.” Your awareness should be fully in the moment and focused exactly on what you're doing.

8 - Use your breath
Avril explains, "just as you would in a mindful meditation, use your breath as an anchor to bring you back into the moment when you feel thoughts coming in.”

9 - Shift focus from orgasm to pleasure
Avoid setting any goal for your practice, particularly when that goal is orgasm, mindful masturbation is about exploring and discovering your body. Avril advises that you “let go of the expectation of the orgasm and allow yourself to enjoy the experience. Mindful masturbation is process-oriented, not goal-oriented. Take the time to get to know what your body likes.”

10 - Challenge autopilot
Mix it up and step outside of your normal routines. Avril explains that “the majority of our day-to-day activities are done on autopilot - even masturbating [and] an important part of mindful masturbation is learning to step away from habitual masturbation methods we all have. Same position, same toy, same pressure, same motions, etc.”

11 - Practice with a guided session
If you'd like to practice with an expert then I recommend you watch Dr Jenn’s Lust Ed video on mindful masturbation. It’s a free, non-explicit guided session that was made for people with vulvas to watch, to learn, and to practice, but it’s especially helpful for people who feel shame or embarrassment about their genitals or masturbation.

12 - Join me & Allbodies for a free live masturbation class
I hope these tips help you on your journey of self discovery and pleasure. I’d also like to invite you to join me and Allbodies for a free live masturbation session on Tuesday 25 May. The event will be hosted by a sex educator who will be giving tips and tricks on touching yourself, and there will be two performers giving an explicit demonstration. The event is being held to normalise self pleasure and it may help you on your journey of self touch to find out exactly what you like. You can sign up to the event here.

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