Ask Lust: How to Have Sex for the First Time

Hi Erika,

I have seen some of you films and I absolutely love them, they are amazing. They have given me the courage to try and explore my sexuality more, that being said, I’m still a virgin. I remember several teachers all through my school years talking about sex as if it were a bad thing, is something you weren’t supposed to do until marriage. This impacted me a lot and that is one of the reasons every time I’ve been close to having sex I end up “backing out”. I don’t have a partner at the moment and being a virgin sometimes really affect the way I flirt or talk to guys cause in the back of my mind I’m always thinking “ If he wants to have sex with me I gonna have to tell him I’m a 24 year old virgin and he’s gonna think I’m a weirdo or whatever, etc..” I now see sex in a different way And I really really wanna have sex but I haven’t! Are there any tips you can give me or something? Hahaha

Thanks
Sexless Sam

Hi Sexless Sam,

Thank you so much for your question, I think this is something that a lot of people struggle with but not many people talk about. I’m really happy you got in touch and to hear that your view on sex has changed despite the education you’ve received.

First things first, we need to remember that “virginity” doesn’t exist. It’s a social concept that serves the patriarchy and works as a way for women's sexuality to be controlled by the men in their culture. In some countries, female virginity is highly valued and expected for marriage or employment. Women must come to their wedding as a virgin, and to prove their virginity they are subject to virginity testing: after the couple's wedding night, bedsheets are checked for bloodstains that supposedly prove the bride’s virginity. It goes without saying that in all of this, the loss of male virginity goes unnoticed.

Many women are taught from a young age that virginity is something to hold on to, to guard and protect until the perfect man (it must be a man) comes along for us to “give it” to. We use delicate euphemisms like “flower” and we’re told it's our prized possession. People will know if we “lose” it too early or to the wrong person, and we too will supposedly regret it.

Men, on the other hand, are mostly told to get rid of their virgin status as fast as possible. It’s a right of passage into manhood and in some cultures it’s seen as “practice” before their future wife. The difference between the two is stark; a woman is scrutinized and a man is applauded, this has become the societal norm.

And as for "losing your virginity", you’re not going to “lose” anything. You’re not giving anything away, you’re just having a new experience for the first time. Virginity is not anything any of us have ever had, so we can’t lose something we never had. By removing the social construct of “virginity” we can diminish pressures around having sex for the first time. Instead of spending time and energy creating a first experience that fits in with this idea of what sex should be like, you can focus on why YOU are ready to engage in this new level of intimacy and what you want to gain from the experience.

I say all of this because I want you to remember that “losing your virginity” is a social construct and I want you to remember that having sex for the first time will not change you. Now that's been said, let's continue…

1. You define what it is

Although we receive a lot of messages from society about what sex is, it looks different for everyone. There is no one size fits all - for some people this may mean being naked with someone else, for others it may mean masturbating and having an orgasm, and for others it may mean penetration by a penis or a sex toy – you decide.

2. Ignore any preconceived notions of what you think it will be like

Romantic, painful, life changing, perfect… whatever you’ve heard about having sex for the first time; ignore it. Everyone’s experience is completely different. And remember that sex is can be messy, flawed and awkward, no matter if it’s your first time or your hundredth. So don’t go looking for something perfect, it should be a fun exploration! Beyond all the many different things that sex can be, overall, it needs to be enjoyable – always. That doesn’t mean that it ends in orgasm, that just means you should enjoy being physically intimate with the person that you’re doing it with. Trust your instincts and how you’re feeling, if you don’t like something don’t be afraid to tell your partner you want to stop.

3. Learn how to give yourself pleasure first

Prioritise exploring your body first before and figure out what turns you on - where you like to be touched, how you like to be touched. If you can work out what kind of sex you like before introducing a parter into the mix you’re bound to have a better experience when you do. Not to mention, knowing what turns you on is incredibly sexy and self-discovery is the safest way to do this. By learning what you like and don’t like through an exploration of your own body, you can also protect yourself from getting into situations where a partner might want to do something that you’re not comfortable with or just not into.

4. Don’t be ashamed of being a “virgin”

Not having had sex before isn’t anything to be ashamed of, so you don’t need to hide it. There is no designated time or age in which you should have sex for the first time, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. Your sexuality is yours and no one can take that from you. How you choose to explore it and when is entirely up to you.

5. Choose someone who you feel comfortable with

Choose someone who you feel relaxed and comfortable with. You should be comfortable enough with them to communicate your needs and desires. Which leads me to…

6. Communicate & discuss boundaries

Talking is key! Talk about your expectations beforehand. Set your boundaries and ask your partner for their boundaries. Check out this article on defining your sexual boundaries if you want to know more about this.

7. Safer sex

Have a conversation with your partner about their STI status and what sorts of barriers to use. You can check out these articles on how to have safer sex or condoms if you'll be using them, for more on this!

8. Foreplay

If you are looking to have penetrative sex, take your time and resist the temptation to move straight on to the “main event”. Foreplay – oral sex, blow jobs, kissing, manual sex – feel good and are likely to make you more aroused which in turn will most probably make penetrative sex feel better. For vagina owners, foreplay can allow your arousal fluids to begin flowing which works as an all-natural lube that can reduce uncomfortable rubbing or irritation for either parties involved in penetration. And remember, a large percentage of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone so take it slow, it’s a marathon not a sprint.

9. Lube

Lube is your new best friend. A little lube can make sex much more comfortable and so much more pleasurable! Water-based, silicone-based, oil-based – do your research and find what works best for you.

10. It’s not a race to orgasm

If you don’t experience an orgasm, no problem. Climax really should never be the end goal when it comes to sex, you should be enjoying all the playtime that leads up to it. That’s not to say that if you genuinely want to reach the big O that you shouldn’t go after it, but don’t focus so much on the end that you miss out on all the pleasure to be had during the beginning and middle.

11. Aftercare

If you have a vagina remember to pee afterwards! This is so, so, so important! Peeing after can protect you from contracting a UTI. Read more about this in the guide to sex hygiene habits written by Sexologist Avril Louise Clarke.

Also engage in some aftercare both with your partner and with yourself. Whether that’s post sex cuddles, having a bath and listening to your favourite music or back rubs, try to soak in the after sex bliss.

I hope those help you on your journey of sexual self discovery. Remember that above all else this process should be fun, so try to enjoy it!

💜

Coming of Age is a porn for women on XConfessions that shows the experience of having sex with someone for the first time. Bonni Belle and Vincent Casals are teenage sweethearts who decide to explore their sexual desires on their last afternoon together, before Bonni moves away with her parents.