Pregnancy Un-Bound: How to Stay Kinky While Pregnant

As a mother and adult movie director I have wanted to address this for a long time and I’m happy to announce that I have released an explicit sex documentary about sex and pregnancy featuring adult performer Tiffany Doll & her husband Bruno. In the upcoming weeks, the Erika Lust Blog will host a number of highly experienced women’s health and sexuality professionals to discuss everything around the topic of Pregnancy & Sexuality. Sex educator, adult film director, mother and BDSM enthusiast Madison Young talks about her experiences with pregnancy and BDSM and gives practical advice for moms-to-be who want to keep exploring their kinky fantasies throughout their pregnancy.

I sat in the examination room awaiting a visit from my doctor. I was nervous. As a kinky queer woman who works in erotic film, finding open minded non-judgmental care was often a challenge. But even more so now that I was pregnant and wanted to inquire about what my physical limitation might be during pregnancy and how my pregnancy would affect my work as a porn performer and bondage performer.The exam table was chilly and my palms were sweaty as I reached inside my bag for a copy of the San Francisco weekly newspaper, The Guardian. A few months prior, I had been on the cover of The Guardian. I wore vintage stockings, garters and lingerie, while I posed coyly, suspended in the air, bound in fragrant natural jute rope. It was one of the most demure and artistic photos of me in rope bondage which I figured would make it more palatable for me to use as a reference image for my doctor. I pulled out the newspaper and looked up at my doctor.“I have some questions.” I managed to say as I awaited either judgement or acceptance from my practitioner. My doctor kept eye contact and listened with a warm smile that put me at ease. She was able to give me accurate information, ask questions about my sex life, physical activity, provide non-judgmental risk assessment and harm reduction techniques without bias. I was so full of gratitude. So much of my livelihood and my identity were tangled in kink. I didn’t want to give that up in my transition to motherhood. And I didn’t have to.

This was just the first of many occasions in which I talked with my OBGYN about kink and pregnancy. My mind was buzzing and although I was a voracious reader and study of all things kink and sexuality related, writings on kink and pregnancy were incredibly difficult to find. Why? Why wasn’t anyone writing about this? I had been teaching sexuality workshops for years, was a certified sex educator and still knew very little at the time about kink and pregnancy. So I went out in search of the information I needed from medical and birthing practitioners and my peers, and this is what I discovered.

Listen to your Body – Intuition is huge. During my pregnancies, I have learned to pause and take inventory a lot more frequently. Maybe you have always enjoyed face slapping, but now that doesn’t sound exciting, erotic or nourishing. Listen to that. Maybe you usually love getting tied up with chains or hand cuffs but this sensation now feels cold, sharp and not appealing. Instead having your partner’s warm comforting hands pin your arms above your head feels way more “you”. This is ok. Go with it.

Make Modifications when needed – Change is inevitable. Change is a part of life. Every day we change. But during pregnancy there is a whole gamut of huge monumental changes that happen rapidly physically, emotionally and mentally. It’s a massive transition. You are birthing not only a small human but also birthing you as a parent. Just take that in. I remember being in the latter part of my first trimester and discovering that over the knee spankings were no longer comfortable as it put some pressure on my uterus. I didn’t want to be on my belly. Instead I modified to bending over a table for a spanking. I also avoided any whipping or flogging on my lower back that might have any impact on my uterus. Instead my upper back, legs, butt or even feet were all great places to still receive impact play like flogging, whipping, caning. I continued playing with rope until I was nine months pregnant, but I avoided tight breast bondage or any tight bondage or pressure in the abdominal area. Instead arms and legs were great for rope play along with modified chest harnesses. Later in my pregnancy, I would loose feeling in my limbs much quicker so I being an excellent communicator and letting your rope artist or dominant know when you are getting tingling is important. They can loosen the bondage, change the rope around or change your position. Communicate, modify and think creatively.

Brain Sex – BDSM and kink is expansive and one of the things I love about kink is that it acknowledges the mind as a sex organ. Try on these kinky techniques at any point during your pregnancy.

Dirty Talk, Stories and Sexting – Whether you prefer to be on top or bottom dirty talk can be an exciting way to rev up the libido and connect intimately with your partner. If you have a hard time getting started with dirty talk think about games you can play to incorporate dirty talk. Like a kinky “Simon Says”! If kinky literature gets you hot, bring out some erotic books and read a dirty story to your partner. Or ask your partner to read a kinky story while they are being pleasured with a vibrator, spanking or with oral sex. Dirty talk doesn’t have to only be for when you are in the same room. You can talk dirty to your partner from home by sexting your partner. Text your partner your kinky sex fantasy or ask them to slip away to the bathroom to masturbate or let them know you are at home masturbating thinking about them!

Blind folds and sensation play – Adding a simple blindfold either to your partner or having your partner put a blind fold on you, can bring zing to any sex scene. When we remove sight the rest of our senses become heightened and we surrender ourselves to our partner on another level. It adds vulnerability to the scene and a sense of excitement. Once a blind fold has been put in place, you want to introduce touch, taste or sensation. It’s a great tool for teasing your partner before either engaging in sex or oral sex, toy play or even a spanking or bondage.

Role Play and Dominance and Submission – Want to add a little kink to your sex life during pregnancy? Try doing the dishes naked. Go out to dinner not wearing underwear or wearing a remote control vibrator! Want to switch up roles? Experiment with role play. There are dozens of scenarios to explore – the sexy librarian and the bad boy whose books are over due, the pizza boy that needs a tip, the handyman and the housewife, sexy nurse and patient. What fantasy roles turn you on? What roles turn on your partner? Have fun! Play, connect and get sexy with your love.

Communication and negotiation – Communication and negotiation are always an important element of BDSM but even more so during pregnancy when so much physically and emotionally is changing and might surprise even you. Check in with yourself and what your expectations are for a scene as well as your boundaries and what are you interested in exploring and integrate into the scene plenty of check ins and chances to adjust and modify positions or scenes depending on how things actually feel to your body once you are experiencing them. Communication and negotiation are important for both the dominant and submissive to engage in so practice making this communication a part of your play. It doesn’t have to be something that takes you out of your headspace. The tender check in of a dominant often gives me the security and trust I need to lean even further into my surrender in a scene.

Staying Active – It is totally ok if you feel a dip in your desire for sex or kink during your pregnancy. You might feel extremely horny or you might feel like you need your own personal space but something that will help regulate your emotions, get your blood pumping, and help you to feel sexier, more connected to your body – even through massive changes of pregnancy – is to stay active. If you are a jogger, keep jogging. If you are a walker, keep walking. If you do HIIT or Cross Fit, keep at it and work with coaches that can modify the workout to work with your pregnant body. Labor is hard. It’s called labor for a reason. And building a human is actually a lot of work. So be strong for that baby – and for YOU! Having a healthy sex life and kink life is a lot easier when you are in an emotionally, physically , mentally sound and strong place which results from staying strong and staying active. Having a hard time getting started? Put on some music and have a dance party. Music and movement help us to connect with our bodies and feel sexier. So get moving. Or keep moving.

Nourishing – Ask yourself, “Does this feel nourishing?” What type of intimacy with my partner feels emotionally and physically nourishing? This might be a foot rub or it might be a spanking. It might be cuddles, it might be kneeling down at your partner’s feet. Lean into what feels nourishing. And know that making a baby is a lot of work. Your body is working really hard. You might have bursts of energy and then go through weeks and weeks of feeling low energy. Lean into what is nourishing for you now. Your kink might go from enjoying being tied up at 3 months pregnant to wanting to nuzzle your nose into a big pile of rope while you masturbate in your 3rd trimester. Know it’s ok for things to ebb and flow. And you aren’t loosing you or your kink but instead you are being super present with yourself and communicating your needs.

Kink Aware Professionals are Important – This was a key element in building my sex positive support system for my pregnancy. I was incredibly lucky in being able to find the right providers. Know that you have a right to non-judgmental care and accurate non biased education and resources surrounding your sexual health during your pregnancy. One of the great challenges is that many doctors didn’t receive extensive or accurate training and education in medical school surrounding sex or sex and pregnancy so it’s largely up to the doctors to seek out that additional information and training so that they can provide non-biased up to date information to their patients. So how do you find a kink aware sex positive OBGYN, midwife or birthing center? Have a list of questions for your doctor or midwife and interview them to see if they are a good fit for you. Often writing down the questions or having print outs or reference points for them can be helpful. Know that practitioners are their for you. If you don’t feel like one is the right fit for you, it is time to move on to the next one. One online resource that I like to refer to is KinkAwareProfessionals.com. If you don’t find a professional in your area, you can always reach out to the practitioner, midwife, doctor or doula and let them know where you are located and they can connect you to a provider in your area.

Build Community – Community is so important. Community is what connects us all and drives away feelings of isolation. You may experience that you now have different needs than some of your childless or non-pregnant friends in the kink scene. You might find that you are aching to have talks with other moms or moms to be about kink, BDSM or sexuality and have challenges finding your community in the typical mom groups. When I had a difficult time finding my kinky mom community, I decided to form a group called the Sexy Mamas Social Club, which was a meet-up for queer, kinky, poly, mamas and mamas to be. I put out a call on social media letting folks know where we would be meeting and organically the group started to grow. We would gather with our toddlers, infants and while pregnant and act as a resource for one another and emotionally support one another. It was a safe space where we could fully be ourselves and not feel judged or like the odd mom in the group. It was a huge resource for me when I first became a mom and was struggling to find my mothering identity.

Self Love – If there is one thing that you can do during your pregnancy that will assist you in staying connected to your body, your sexuality, your intimate self, your needs and your kink – it is loving yourself. Loving your body as it is right now. Pouring huge heaps of love into your vessel. Loving your growing body, your changing body, our ever evolving self. Loving and nourishing your body and spirit in the way that it is aching for love and touch and intimacy. This can look like getting regular massage, mani-pedis, soaking in the tub or building in meditation time for reflection. It also can look like getting enough rest, eating food that feels good and nourishing and also involves self touch and masturbation. It’s also a misconception that I often come across, that our kink identity only exists in relation to our dominant. Not so. See what it is like to explore masturbation with a blindfold or to give yourself a spanking or explore the sensation of rope or leather or latex while pleasuring yourself. Take kinky photos of yourself for YOU.

Remember that all bodies and every pregnancy is different. It is important to find a birthing professional to consult with during your pregnancy that you feel comfortable talking with about sex, bodies and intimacy. Pleasure is your right and there are many joyous ways for exploring pleasure in every pregnancy.

Get to know Madison Young even better by watch her direct and perform in erotic movies and series on Lust Cinema.

See Madison Young's skills as a director in Fragments Vol. 1, Vol. 2, and Vol. 3, a Lust Cinema Original; and don't miss her direct and star in Unraveled Intimacies, only on Lust Cinema.