Ask Lust: How Do I Find a Third Person for a Threesome?

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Dear Ask Lust,
My girlfriend wants us to have a threesome together with someone else and I'm up for it (although admittedly not as much as her) so we're trying to find a third person. But I have no idea where to start. How do we find someone? I don't really want to approach one of our friends. And how do we even "do the deed", and make sure it's not awkward, one of us doesn't get upset etc? any help, advice, comments much appreciated!
—Danny

Hi Danny. I’m very glad you asked this question because finding a third person (also known as a “unicorn”) for a threesome can be tricky! From where to look for someone and how to approach them, to how you should act on the night, I’ve got some tips for you.

It goes without saying that before you try to find a unicorn, you and your partner should have a proper chat about why you want to have a threesome. Are you both into it? Is it a shared fantasy or something that you want to experiment with together? Threesomes definitely shouldn’t be used to fix a problem within your relationship. You should speak about what you each want to get out of the threesome, what sort of sex you want to experience, the type of person you want to do it with, and how you will deal with feelings of jealousy or insecurity, before you start looking for a third.

First of all, unicorns are people too

Unicorns earn their name because they’re pretty rare and while there are people who like sleeping with couples, there are definitely more couples than unicorns out there. So, for the third person, especially on apps geared towards threesomes, it can become quite overwhelming with the number of couples who contact you and sometimes treat you like a piece of meat. You should take time to get to know someone before presuming that they will want to have sex with you and your partner. Remember that unicorns are people with their own feelings, needs and desires - they’re not there to fulfil yours and your partner’s sexual fantasy. They have their own fantasy too.

Secondly, if you’re a heterosexual couple looking for a third don’t assume that all bisexual people are up for a threesome. A lot of bisexual people on dating apps receive daily invitations for threesomes, which can get pretty exhausting when they’re not looking to be a unicorn for a heterosexual couple in the first place.

How to find someone for a threesome

If you don’t want to have your threesome with someone you already know and would prefer to find a stranger the easiest way to find someone can be on a dating app. There are plenty of threesome-specific dating apps now like Feeld, 3somer, 3way, and 3Fun. Or you can get on good old fashioned Tinder or Bumble and make it very clear that you’re a couple looking for a third on your profile. Whichever app you use, you should always make both partners promininant on the profile and include in the description your intention that you’re looking for a threesome. Make sure there are photos of both of you, so that potential thirds can decide if they’re attracted to both of you.

Please, do not make a profile as a single person and then later drop the bomb that you’re in a relationship & looking for a threesome after you’ve matched with someone. This happens daily and is just time wasting for people who are not looking for threesomes.

If you prefer to meet someone out there IRL, you have to be cautious and respectful.If you approach someone in a bar, get to know them first and take your time before asking if they would be interested.

Before you have the threesome

You’ve found a unicorn, congratulations! You’re one step closer to your threesome fantasy but do not miss this next crucial step - three way communication.

The three of you should meet somewhere neutral to get to know each other before committing to the threesome. Just because you’ve all agreed to meet doesn't mean that the threesome is definite. You need to see how the chemistry is together and if you all like each other. When you first meet it should not be at your house or at the place where you are planning to have the threesome, choose somewhere more public and neutral such as a coffee shop or a bar.

Once you’ve all met and if everyone is happy to go ahead, then you should discuss the plan and get into the nitty gritty details of your three-way. Having sex, regardless of how many people are involved, means setting boundaries, communicating, and navigating individual desires. Things to consider and discuss:

• Sexual Health — Discuss everyone’s sexual health status. When was the last time you took an STI test? Will you all do a test before so you can show each other the results before having sex? Disclosing your sexual health status is required for all parties to have access to informed consent

• Safer Sex — Condoms, gloves, lube… What do you need and who will bring it? I suggest that the couple provides everything.

• Expectations & Desires — What are you each hoping to get from the experience? Not just the couple, the unicorn too. Be open about your expectations and desires.

• Pleasure — Talk about your likes/dislikes, where you like to be touched, what turns you on, etc. Do you want to use sex toys? Will there be penetration? What type of sex do you each enjoy?

• Boundaries — Each of you should set clear boundaries. If anyone has a “no-go” area, they should be able to communicate with them. Setting boundaries will help keep you safe and make the experience more pleasurable for everyone involved.

How to have the threesome

So, you’re all keen for the threesome, you’ve communicated your desires and boundaries; congratulations, you’re ready for some fun.

Be sure to set a nice environment, make sure the space is clean and the lighting is nice. Light some candles, put on some relaxing music, you know the drill. You should also have everything prepared already - lube, protection, sex tpys if you’re using them, and a clean bathroom for people to freshen up afterwards.

How the actual sex goes is completely individual and dependent on what you all discussed earlier. Maybe there will be penetration, maybe there won’t, maybe you will all be having sex, maybe someone won’t be as involved. Whatever you all agreed on before, stick to it so there are no nasty surprises.

Be sure to engage in conversations of consent throughout the experience - check in with everyone and ask how things are feeling. If you want to learn more about how to make consent sexy, check out these top tips from sexologist Avril Louise Clarke. Above all, take care of your unicorn’s feelings and wants. They should leave feeling respected and appreciated, the same as any person you have sex with.

Remember that the end goal here is a satisfying, pleasurable experience for all three of you. So, go ahead and enjoy it!

Get some inspiration for your threesome by watching the ultimate threesome series, Three for free on Lust Cinema! Three is a cinematic adult series that follows three people as they fall in love and defy conventional romantic relationships to show that a love affair of three is more than just a sexual fantasy.

Watch it now!