The Couple Next Door: Masturbating Without You

Next to my bed, right under the bedside table, I have a green box. There I store vibrators, handcuffs, lubricants, condoms, dildos, oils and some BDSM accessories. I call it The Sex Box. When I have time to masturbate, I want to enjoy it in the best possible way; I try to make the most out of the moment, enjoy it without limits, and include sex toys (and lubricants) in the practice. It's what I used to call a “sex session with myself".

These sessions looked more or less like this; I’m sitting on the bed uncovering the box, choosing which toys I’ll alternate with during the practice… I place them on the sheets, put on some music, and get naked. I know when my body asks for it, and I try to take all the time that it needs. I’m not always able to have all of that time for me though, in fact, most times my sessions tend to be very short moments. When I am able to spend a whole hour touching myself, I range from focusing on the pleasure my body gets only with the touch of my hands, getting lost in my imagination, and watching some porn if I need some extra inspiration. Masturbating is like a journey with different stops along the way.

Now, I’ve noticed that my solo sex sessions have decreased after I moved in with my partner. The question is, why? Or better: how can we get those moments of intimacy back, when we weren’t living together and each of us enjoyed masturbating without any interference?

In this column, I'll guide you through my desires and my fears, and our desires and fears as a couple. Those that arise when you live together with your partner, and those you talk about when your face falls exhausted with pleasure on the soaked sheets where you've just enjoyed the wonder of boundlessly connecting with another human body. I'm Guillermina Torresi, and this is The Couple Next Door.

For many couples, masturbation in solitude is a kind of infidelity. Masturbation still carries an aura of shame that we haven’t managed to eliminate completely. Especially for women, who may be labeled as nymphomaniacs, whores, sex addicts… If you are a woman and talk openly about how and how much you masturbate (and how much you love it) you’ll be either admired or shamed. When sharing my masturbation habits with other people, I’ve often been told, “How cool that you talk so candidly about masturbating!”. I think that happens to me because I am a woman. If my male friends speak about jacking off, no one shows any signs of admiration. It’s more of a normalised practice for them.

Knowing how to enjoy pleasure with oneself is, I believe, is the foundation of a fulfilling sexuality. What's more, masturbation is by far the most widely practised type of sex on the planet and the perfect way to fully explore our sexual responsiveness; if you can't find out for yourself, you'll never be able to show your sexual partner what you like.

That’s why it’s essential to me that solo masturbation continues to exist now that we live together. One of those intimate nights of long, close conversations, I blurted out: "Do you masturbate as you did before?” A silence. “No", he said. "Not that much… I don't need to". With such an answer, I understood that his goal in masturbating was to feel the sexual release. It’s actually the same for me, but in my solo sessions I also need to take the time to indulge in pleasure and give myself permission to love myself. After talking about it for a bit, we realised that although we both love to fuck each other in a myriad of different ways, perhaps it was also necessary to include some moments of solitude in our sex routine, those that we used to have before living under the same roof. We didn't want to plan how we would achieve this, we actually left the conversation open because that talk turned us on, and we ended up having sex before going to sleep.

It's a Friday. I'm WFH, and he left the house earlier to go to work. When I'm alone at home spending several hours in front of my computer, going back and forth around the house to get more coffee, I often get aroused. This clearly doesn’t happen because I’m not sexually satisfied with my partner; partnered sex and solo masturbation are two practises that can co-exist with joy.

I’m saying this because I believe that I’m not part of the 30% of Spanish women who, according to a study carried out by the Bijoux Indiscret studio called Ficción Vs Realidad en el Sexo, cum better masturbating than as a couple. I don't cum better, I cum differently. Both practices are completely pleasurable for me and anything new I discover about my own pleasure, I can then share with him. But when I manage to find those moments of solitude, I do it quickly; I have learned to quickly reach the orgasm so that it doesn't take me too much time. On the other hand, thoselong sex sessions with myself and my toys are now gone.

What if one day you want to fuck and the other person doesn't feel like it? Would masturbating be a problem? It shouldn't be. I think that allowing yourself a time to focus on your pleasure while living with your partner is a sign that your relationship is healthy. With my partner, we often create these alone times naturally; he goes out with his friends, I go to the gym or for a walk, and that’s when each of us enjoys themselves without the other. But if you’re not able to have those moments of solitude just for yourself, I urge you to look for them. Tell your partner you would like to have some “me time” during the week, and be ready to support your partner in having their time, too. This way your trust, your intimacy, and your sex life will level up.

To help you make the most out of this Masturbation Month, you can now enjoy an exclusive 50% discount on Lust Cinema, XConfessions, and Else Cinema. Don’t forget to subscribe to the Lust Zine to receive a notification when our Masturbation Conversations mini-doc is released & watch a free movie in the meantime!