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7 March 2019

This week’s guide: Orgasms and how to reach them! 

Last week I published an Instagram post that gained a lot of attention. There’s a lot of talk about orgasms but how much do you actually know about them? What is an orgasm? How many different kinds of orgasms are there? What’s the difference between a male and a female orgasm? Is it really true that women naturally orgasm less often during sex than men? There are so many misunderstandings and misconceptions around the female orgasm resulting in a harmful phenomenon depriving women all over the world of their pleasure. This phenomenon is called the orgasm gap. The orgasm gap refers to the proven disparity of orgasms within heterosexual relationships.

In my Instagram post I mentioned a recent study that found that only 65% of hetero women usually orgasm during sex, compared to 95% of hetero men. So clearly, there’s an orgasm gap. But, what are the reasons for this? I’m sure you’ve heard about this before and it’s often dismissed with statements like “well, it’s just normal that women don’t come all the time, because their orgasms are just more complex”. Then why is it that another study found that when masturbating, 95 percent of women reach orgasm easily and within minutes?

This week we’re taking a closer look at the orgasm gap and the female orgasm in general. Are women just destined to less sexual pleasure or are there other reasons why fewer of us climax during sex and if so, how can we change that?


What is an orgasm?

I hope many of you have had the pleasure of experiencing an orgasm before. It’s probably one of the most sensational feelings a human being can have. But what actually, physically happens in a woman’s body during climax?

An orgasm is nothing more, or less, than rapid contractions of the vagina, the uterus, and the anus. But obviously, it is a bit more complicated than that. It is a complex combination of physical arousal and emotion. Sex and especially orgasms cause increased production of oxytocin, which is often referred to as the “love hormone”. Before orgasm, the brain releases oxytocin and also endorphins, which are our natural pain-killing hormones. The release of endorphins is also a stress reliever and it seriously boosts immunity! These are just some of the many health benefits that come with having sex and orgasms regularly.

Some women also ejaculate during orgasm, also known as squirting. When a woman ejaculates, she releases a liquid (and no it’s not just pee, but that’s a blog post for a different day).

Masters and Johnson wrote a book that detailed the sexual response cycle and divides it into four different stages of pleasure. The first stage is called Excitement, which revers to initially being turned on. Excitement is followed by the Plateau, which is a repetitive motion that feels pleasurable. Next comes the big O. The orgasm is the ultimate peek of pleasure and release of excitement. Last but not least there is the Resolution, also called the refractory period.

Research has shown that these stages are actually visible in the human brain, both for males and females. Here are some pictures of what happens in your brain during orgasm. I find this SO fascinating: “By the time you actually experience an orgasm, more than 30 major brain systems are activated. It’s not a local, discrete event. There’s no ‘orgasm center. It’s everywhere.” (Stromberg, VOX)

Picture taken from VOX


What different kinds of orgasms can I have? 


If you read up on this question you get answers ranging from 5 to 12 different kinds of orgasms. Some women can even have orgasms while they sleep or while working out! For this blog post though, I will focus on the 5 most common forms of orgasms. I found a very comprehensive chart in an article by Healthline about the different kinds of orgasms that I would like to share with you:


In a study, less than 1 in 5 women reported being able to orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone (THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO KNOW!) and 75% of women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm!!! And even though anal orgasms are more common in men because they have a prostate and we don’t, it is absolutely possible for women to have an anal orgasm. A lot of people also underestimate or ignore our body’s other erogenous zones, like for example the nipples, the ears, even our elbows can cause us to experience immense pleasure.



Why do women in heterosexual relationships experience less orgasms than men? The glorification of penetrative sex and the ignorance of the clitoris

Back in the early 1900s, Freud, the so called father of psychoanalysis, decided for women all over the world that clitoral orgasms were a sign of sexual and psychological immaturity, and sometimes even mental illness. Please excuse my language, but Sigmund Freud can go f*** himself! Today we know that that’s absolutely and entirely WRONG and it’s time we give the clitoris the attention it deserves.

The first and most outrageous reason for the orgasm gap is a universal ignorance of the clitoris, fueled by our sex education system based on Freud’s analysis of the female body and psyche. The brutal consequence of this approach is that most of us aren’t even taught what a clitoris is in school. Also in most porn movies, which are our main source of sexual education nowadays, according to Orenstein, there is almost no attention paid to the clitoris. It’s an immensely false image portrayed in porn, and in mainstream media in general that it is normal and desirable for women to orgasm solely from intercourse. This false belief is one of the main reasons why women don’t orgasms as often as man do. They are simply not getting the stimulation they need to orgasm.

There’s also the common belief that clitoral orgasms are some sort of “second-class” orgasm and that only vaginal orgasms are the real deal. Well let me tell you the truth: most of these assumptions have been made by straight penis owners. And what works for men? Penetration. But these assumptions have failed to understand the sexual needs of women. They have failed to acknowledge that women need more than what men consider as great sex. We need more than just penetration. If you can not always reach climax during vaginal penetration then there is absolutely nothing wrong with you! Actually, the majority of women can not reach climax through vaginal stimulation alone.

In my opinion there is something else that’s wrong: Our common definition of sex. Repeat after me: Sex is not just an erected penis in a vagina. We need to stop glorifying penetrative sex. Oral sex is sex. Anal sex is sex. Fingering is sex. Using sex toys on our genitals or other body parts is sex.


Why do so many women feel the need to fake orgasms and why we need start prioritising female pleasure

Faking orgasms is something many women do, even if they are with a steady partner whom they trust and love. So many of us do that it feels almost normal. Isn’t that just crazy? We are so used to putting our male partner’s pleasure first that we are willing to fake our own. How depressing is that?

Many women I asked about this tell me that they fake it to not hurt the other persons feelings. But if you ask a man how many times he had to fake an orgasm during sex to make his partner feel better you will realise that something is going very, very wrong here. Female pleasure is considered less of a priority than male pleasure and it needs to stop! We need to stop pretending to orgasm from boring and sometimes even painful vaginal penetration only, just because we think that this is the “normal” way to have sex and as long as the man climaxes, everything is great. Many women are told that if they can’t reach orgasms during sex, it is their own fault. They are just not sexy and relaxed enough or even that there is something medically wrong with them.

Don’t get me wrong, there should be absolutely no pressure on anyone that they have to achieve orgasm every time they have sex. Sex can be an incredibly pleasurable experience without climax, but we need to start prioritising female pleasure and stop thinking of the male climax as normal and the female climax as a nice extra that we should be grateful for if we achieve it every once in a while.


Start experimenting with yourself and your partner(s)

Unfortunately, I can not type you up a manual on how to make yourself or your partner cum. Every body works differently and there is only one solution to the problem: TRY! If you are experiencing issues to have orgasms with your partner, well can you make yourself cum? Have you figured out what you like? If not, cancel all your weekend plans and get to know yourself. If yes, talk to your partner! They can’t read your mind and communication is absolute key to achieve sexual satisfaction.

I feel like women often don’t know how to ask for what they want or they feel ashamed to talk about it. Men are taught to be straightforward about their needs, but women are taught to be shy and to see themselves and their bodies as the problem for their lack of orgasms. We need to learn how to ask for what we want and we need to start trusting ourselves and our bodies.

Please ladies, if something isn’t working for you, start talking about it and suggest alternatives. And most importantly, stop faking it! For your own sake. Your orgasm is quite literally in your hands. Experimenting is required and orgasms with your partner won’t come without communication.

It’s time we demand pleasure! The more myths and stereotypes we dismantle, the closer we get to mutual satisfaction.


Did you ever fake an orgasm? Tell me your story via InstagramFacebook or Twitter or leave a comment on my blog!

The XConfessions App

I know that many people struggle to speak openly about their sexual desires with their partner so I created this app to help those who might feel shy voicing their fantasies. Or maybe you feel totally comfortable speaking about your fantasies, but you’re ready to discover some new kinks that you might not have thought about yet. The XConfessions App can be used for those couples who want to discover some new kinks and spice things up in their sex life.

Read what the media says about it:

A game-changer for exploring sexual fantasies (Elite Daily)

XConfessions app helps couples talk about their fantasies (Bustle)

Erika Lust’s new app is making it easier to talk about kinks and fantasies (Dazed)

Available for free on the App store NOW!

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